Saturday, August 26, 2006

Why I Hate Tom Cruise

Why I Hate Tom Cruise

Okay I broke down and bought the Cocktail DVD today, in preparation for Mike's riff on it (scheduled to be available on the 30th of August). I promised myself I wouldn't spend more than $7.50, and I found a copy for $7.99. I just hope Mike is pleased that one of his fans has had to go back on his word to himself and actually watch a Tom Cruise film again.

I can't stand Tom Cruise. And it's not because of his more recent insanity with the press. It's not because he told Brooke Shields she was a dip. It's not because he has this Scientology thing going, although that doesn't help. It's not because he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch. In fact, that was the closest thing to acting I've ever seen him do and I was impressed. He was pretending to be head over heels in love with a girl. That was precious. Not quite method acting. Seemed he was going on what he'd been told other people have done. He deserved an emmy that day. And I don't hate the man. I'm sure he must be fun to talk to over drinks or something. Nice guy I'm sure. I just can't stand him as an actor and I don't believe he deserves any of the attention he's ever gotten as an actor and I hope his fifteen minutes of fame end not with a bang but a quiet whimper, and the sooner the better. I want him to get out of my face.

So why do I hate Tom Cruise as an actor? Let's go through the film career of this stalwart soul that you people hold so dear to your heart of hearts.

Endless Love: I don't believe I ever saw it. The song by Ross & Richie was more than enough for me and one couldn't turn on the radio without hearing that over and over again back in 1981, but you can't fault Cruise for that.

Taps: That I did see. It's one of the reasons why I hate military films. I can't for a nanosecond believe any of these pretty boys spent a week in boot camp much less actually attended a military school. Cruise was about as believable in this as he woulda been playing a pastrami and rye in a supermarket delicatessen.

Losin' It: Tom Cruise attempting humor. That's a laugh. Not really. Okay to be honest I've never seen this film, I have no intention of seeing this film, I shouldn't have an opinion about this film, nor do I want one.

Risky Business: Now here Tom was actually tolerable, although to be fair, everyone around him was far more interesting but for this film that's what was needed. Tom played the 'everyman' boy who was coming of age and all that balderdash. Rebecca De Mornay is the real reason to see this film. Woof. All Tom had to do throughout was either pretend he was enjoying himself, or pretend he was suprised at something. You watch this film and you realize that all Matt LeBlanc was doing for ten years in the tv series Friends was pretending to be Tom Cruise. Fart smell acting. That's what Tom's doing here. Say a line and then pretend to smell a fart.

All The Right Moves: It's a football film. Therefore, I didn't see it. I have no opinion of it.

Legend: This film works for me again because of everyone around Tom. Mia Sara, Woof. Tim Curry, awesome. Billy Barty, Robert Picardo, Annabelle Lanyon, you just can't go wrong with this cast. All Tom had to do was hit his mark and a look cool in a suit of armor. Which he didn't. Cuz he's five foot seven. So a lot of what you see is very creative cinematography. You think they fuzzied up shots and threw in glows and other lighting tricks just cuz it was a fantasy? Tom doesn't even look the part. How he got the part? Only L.Ron knows.

Top Gun: This was the break film for me. From here on out I became an anti-fan of Tom Cruise. He was tolerable up until now but in this film he was playing a guy we're supposed to hate and love at the same time and all he couldn't get either right. Do you honestly believe he's a guy who could buzz the tower of an aircraft carrier and then just smile at his superior officer and get away with it? You can call a guy a maverick all you want but if he doesn't even know what one is he can't pretend to be one. He can't act. He can say lines, and hit marks, and look pretty while doing it. That's not acting. That's not remotely believable. I also hate this film cuz Anthony Edwards WAS acting and doing very well and then they kill him off leaving us with godawful Cruise for the rest of the picture. I told myself I'd never watch another Tom Cruise movie as long as I lived, but then...

The Color of Money: I loved the film "The Hustler." Paul Newman is a living legend, condiment hawking aside. He was great in this. I thought surely I could put up with Cruise if a giant like Newman is supporting him, and maybe the kid would learn a few things from one of the greatest Hollywood talents the world has ever known. I left the theater feeling like I'd just had a tooth pulled.

Young Guns: It's a western. With a short list of exceptions, I don't like westerns. I have no opinion of this one.

Rain Man: Again, surely a man like Dustin Hoffman, who is yet another great living legend of an actor, surely with Dustin Hoffman standing beside him, Tom Cruise wouldn't look half bad. The result of this film was Hoffman stole the show and Cruise looked like a grip they just threw in front of the camera at the last second to hit the marks while Hoffman literally held up the film both for himself and his doofus of a supporting partner. Cruise has no concept of what it takes to be an ensemble player. He's completely worthless on the screen.

Born On the Fourth of July: I have friends who were extras in this film. Parts of it were filmed right here in Dallas Texas. Despite that, I've never seen this film on the soul reason that it has Tom Cruise in it. Therefore I have no opinion of this film, nor do I want one.

Days of Thunder: I have never seen this film, nor do I want to. I have no opinion.

Far And Away: Ditto

A Few Good Men: SURELY! You got THE Jack Nicholson on board! You got Demi Moore. Kevin Bacon. Kevin Pollack. Christopher Guest is on tap! Kiefer Sutherland! For crying out loud you can't screw this up! How can Tom Cruise screw up this movie? Somehow, for me, he did. Again, I can't believe he spent a heartbeat in the military. It's like watching John Goodman pretend to be a vegetarian. I don't buy it. I don't like military films and I don't like courtroom dramas and yet one day I found myself in a situation where the movie was on TV and I had nothing else to do. I gave it a try. Cruise ruined this film for me. I could almost believe everyone else but Cruise on the screen just completely ruins any chance for me to suspend disbelief. His face has a way of reflecting the camera. He's 'on' all the time. He's faking it. It's not acting. It's not even performing. He hits his mark and he says his line. Sometimes with defiance. Sometimes with sardonic wit. It's all like pantomime. It's all calculated. He's like a programmed robot, not a person. I've to see him feel anything on screen. God this movie sucked, and it really didn't have to. It had no excuse with as much talent and money as was behind it, it should have been better.

The Firm: Refuse to watch it on the sole reason it's a Tom Cruise film. I have no opinion nor do I want one.

Interview with a Vampire: I have seen parts of this film, mostly by accident. I want to see it because I enjoy the genre, but can't get past the casting. Cruise and Pitt. What I have seen looks pretty, but these two guys in those roles just throws me out of it. I can't enjoy it. And I had wished they'd made this film a few years earlier and gave Sting the role. He woulda done better than Cruise.

Mission Impossible: Ugh. Yes I've seen this one. It's great eye candy. It's a fun roller coaster. It's not Mission Impossible any more than Drew Barrymore's attempts at Charlie's Angels is actually Charlie's Angels. In Drew Barrymore's situation though I like it. I like what she did with the franchise. Mission Impossible however is an example of what I mean by Cruise having absolutely no idea what an ensemble means. Ethan Hunt is not supposed to take the lead in every scene of Mission Impossible. It's supposed to be a group effort. Multiple talents in a spy espionage thriller thing working together and reacting to unpredictable variables to try and accomplish an impossible task. Cruise resolves this by making sure all the characters around him either die in the first twenty minutes or turn into his villains. Y'know who saves this film for me? Ving Rhames and Jean Reno. Damn but they rock, despite Cruise hogging the limelight. Aside from that there's cool stunts and things blow up so it's entertaining. I liked the original series when I was a kid. However, I haven't seen the other two MI's that have come out since. I believe I saw the first few moments where Tom Cruise is hanging off a cliff and his sunglasses explode. William Shatner was more bellievable hanging off a cliff in ST5. Like Cruise would know how to climb anything other than stairs! Really! Now THAT's funny.

Jerry Maguire: I actually had aquired a copy of this film on VHS some years back for free, and never opened it. I think I won it in a contest or something. I have no opinion of this film nor do I want one. I'm aware of Zellwegger's line about "you had me at hello" and Tom yelling at Cuba over the phone to "show me the money" repeatedly. That's all I know, and that's too much. I have no idea what happened to the videotape. I think I gave it to a friend who actually liked Tom Cruise. I don't see it on my shelf now.

Eyes Wide Shut: No opinion. Never seen it. I don't like Nicole Kidman either.

Magnolia: Never seen it. No opinion.

Vanilla Sky: Never seen it. No opinion.

Minority Report: Never seen it. No opinion.

Goldmember: Really? He was in it? I don't recall seeing him in any Austin Powers film. I probably went to get a soda or something.

Last Samurai: No opinion. Don't want one.

Collateral: I like Jamie Fox. I tried it. I liked the film. I woulda loved the film, except for Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise was playing a man pretending to be a man pretending to be someone else. The grey hair was a laugh riot. It was like he was a parody of his own performance. Somehow that kinda worked for me. I didn't believe that he had ever killed more than an occasional fly, and probably hires other people to do that for him, but for some reason the chemistry between him and Fox worked for me in this film. Again though, you can see, the talent of Jamie Fox is what makes this film work. Like Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman before him, Fox carries this film and it's not believable except through the eyes of his character. However, this same film with Jean Reno playing Tom Cruise's part? That woulda been ten times better.

War of the Worlds: Now I do like Steven Spielberg. Don't get me wrong. I can't recall a film of Spielberg's that I haven't enjoyed. And I love the story War of the Worlds by H. G. Welles. I've heard Orson Wells version on radio and it's astounding. Dakota Fanning was major impressive in Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. However, I have yet to see this film. I don't want to see this film. I don't wish to have an opinion on it, on the sole reason that Tom Cruise is in this movie.

Despite my opinion of Tom Cruise, I am aquiescing this one time and will see Cocktail when I get the rifftrax from Mike Nelson. ...It better be funny.

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