Saturday, June 6, 2009

More KPCS Rambling

Here I go critiquing The Kevin Pollak Chat Show again. This must be a testament to just how good the show is even this early on because I keep finding myself wanting to write about it. Much like other shows I've enjoyed over the years like Lost, Heroes, X-Files, and Star Trek. It's also more fun to dissect something that can withstand scrutiny, than something that's far too easy to insult. So again, what follows is not meant to be a put down. Quite the contrary.

Even so, I keep watching this thing and wishing I could squirt Kevin Pollak with a spray bottle, like people do when they're trying to train cats not to climb on the drapes. This never works by the way. The cat will do what it damn pleases after the spray bottle carrier leaves the room. Likewise, Kevin Pollak will do things as he damn well pleases but I'd get satisfaction in spraying him anyway.

Why would I want to spray him? Well firstly, he calls the show Kevin Pollak's Chat Show. Alright. That's fine. It's his show. He's the host. His name should be on the bill. Alright.

Secondly, he repeatedly says this is NOT his show, even though he's on it. This is his audience's show, and he goes on and on, every week, at length, citing examples of ways he's going out of his way, out of the kindness of his heart, to make KEVIN POLLAK'S chat show, your show.

Thirdly, he then monopolizes the interviews, going to the response from viewers as an afterthought towards the end of the hour, or sometimes only after having exhausted everything he personally wanted to ask his guest.

Fourthly, when he asks his guests questions, he often finds a way to use this question as an opportunity to take his own life experience as an example, so that he gets to answer his own question, posed to his interviewee, as if he were also simultaneously interviewing himself, and asking himself all the questions he wished everyone from Johnny Carson to Carson Daly would ask him.

Did you just get a headache reading all that? Cuz I just got a headache typing it all out. What a mind fuck this show is. Pollak's a talented guy! He's good at what he does and he's also good at this new schtick too, but let's face it, he's no Charlie Rose. Charlie Rose doesn't answer his own questions. He sets his ego aside before the cameras roll and focuses on his guest. I'm not saying Pollak should BE Rose. Far from it. In fact I can tell as I've mentioned before that Pollak seems to be picking and choosing from past interview shows and using what he's seen work before, borrowing most prominently from Charlie Rose cuz let's face it, the man's the best in the history of the business when it comes to interviewing.

Let me try to pull up an example of what I mean. What follows is an exchange from Kevin Pollak's interview with Josh Malina from Sports Night and West Wing and all kindsa great shit.

Josh Malina: I often say when Allison Janney and I worked together? That's five Emmy awards right there.

Kevin Pollak: There ya go.

Josh Malina: In fairness, all of them hers!

Kevin Pollak: [laughs]

Josh Malina: But between us! Five Emmys! ..incredibly great actors, and uh incredibly nice workplace..

Kevin Pollak: but also to step up to the plate in a situation.. uhm, where i mean, I - I felt like, which I've joked about many times in my act, "Where's Waldo" in the cast of A Few Good Men cuz I'm surrounded by deep ball hitters. I was the only one in the lead cast that the audience was thinking who's this guy? Everyone else - ridiculously famous.

Josh Malina: That's true.

Kevin Pollak: [surprisingly does not do a double take here] And I imagine stepping into a show like [WEST WING] that's been a huuge monstrous hit for two years ..is similar - and the next experience I had which was shocking was how everyone treated me like an equal - an ABSOLUTE equal. There's no pecking order ..and I don't know if that's what your experience was-

Josh Malina: Absolutely was.

Kevin Pollak: Was?

Josh Malina: Yeah. The first read through? Which already the fact that they did read throughs was like uh, was just such a- cuz things are so busy half the time that there was no time for a read through-

Kevin Pollak: Right.

Josh Malina: -But they really took the time to read it and let Aaron hear it and it was like a big party atmosphere and John Spenser may he rest in peace came up to me and said "Oh I loved your work on Sports Night" and I thought THAT'S a classy guy!

Kevin Pollak: Yeah yeah yeah...
Now don't get me wrong. Pollak is very interested in his guests, but he's also very interested in himself. Often in a way that seems rather humble and self-effacing but I can't tell if he's just doing that to hide narcisism or if he seriously needs someone to inflate his ego now and then cuz he honestly doesn't realize how much he kicks ass. He talks as if by the time A Few Good Men happened he was nobody. He'd already been in L.A. Story, Willow, and he was very well known for his standup routine. Kevin Pollak had been a name long before Usual Suspects. He was already on the map. Maybe he wasn't Jack Nicholson but come on.. Even Jack Nicholson isn't really Jack Nicholson.

So Pollak really needs to realize he already rocks, and to quit trying to prove it to himself. Then he'd be better suited to sit there, as someone who rocks, and show the world that the person he is interviewing really rocks too, and here's why. What I'm hoping is that as the series progresses and Pollak gets the question answering out of his system and grows bored of tooting his own horn, that he settles into this new role. He does obviously enjoy illuminating the people that appear before him, otherwise he couldn't sit still that long. It should really be more about a prince holding court than about a prince pretenting to be a pauper pretending to be a prince.

We know you're a prince. Quit trying to be pauper for a day. You're not fooling anybody.

Of course, I say all this, and if he actually took any of this seriously, then he'd get a big head and be entirely obnoxious on camera asking guests to kiss his ring and aren't they so thrilled to be in his presence because he knows he is so awesome?

...maybe it's best to leave well enough alone.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

David Carradine Found Hanged in Bangkok Hotel Room

[Added June 6th: Okay let's just forget this entire article. You can read it if you want, but nobody knows what the fuck happened to Carradine and really we shouldn't give a shit. He lived a great life, gave the world some memorable moments on the little and big screen, was loved by family, friends, complete strangers, probably did his share of bad shit but who gives a crap? How he died will no doubt become as much a mystery to people as are parts of his life. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I looked at his death and my first knee-jerk reaction was to think of myself - but I have said this before and will no doubt say it again - the mourning process is not for the dead. It's for the living. I find it a very irrational act, and until my father passed away about a decade ago now, making death entirely and painfully real to me, I used to find other people mourning to be sometimes laughable and other times disgusting. There are some people on this planet who are offended when you use profanity or appear in public naked. They react with disdain and dismay and try to look away or they make a scene about how horrible that is and that one should be more respectful of others and not be so impolite. That's how I used to feel in regards to people mourning. They're wearing their emotions out like they just regurgitated their intestines and put them on display. Really I used to find it that revolting and could only laugh at the absurdity. Then my father passed away, and I understood why we have to express those emotions and put them on display and share them with others who feel as bad as we do that we'll never know that person in our lives anymore. It's a wholly selfish act and I still find something offensive about it, but just as with all things that offend somebody, they're a part of human nature and we should not shirk from it. So here I leave myself and my pathetic selfish process of mourning for a complete stranger here for anyone who dares to see. Here I also hope to leave it behind and move on to something less maudlin and morbid. I only hope I can.]

[Added June 5th: What follows is a bunch of pretentious, self-centered shit. Tread lightly be you afeared of insensitivity in the face of tragedy. I'd remove it if it weren't for the fact that after a night of sleep, glancing over what I'd wrote, I find it endlessly funny to laugh at myself, at my own expense. Besides someone recently accused me of censoring my YouTube videos and I'm like "what? I don't edit my YouTube videos enough." Really. They suck. So anyway, don't take the following remotely seriously, cuz I don't. In fact, stop taking any of my shit seriously, cuz I don't. Even when I do, I don't really. I'm a toon. Really.

Also as a disclaimer, I wrote the following before the prevailing theory became that Carradine accidently killed himself masterbating while experiencing auto-erotic asphyxiation. Which I must admit pisses me off even more. Did he never hear of having a spotter? You don't do it by yourself inside a closet that's fucking stupid. You have someone there who can tell when you start turning blue. I mean really. Don't they teach these things in school? Oh that's right they don't. Why? Because puritannical fundamentalist conservatives would rather censor the proliferation of information so people kill themselves not knowing how to do it, as opposed to making sure everyone is properly educated on how to safely commit sinful acts that make the baby Jesus cry.]


...

I should stop there. Three little dots. There really aren't words. This is stupid.

...

I got a lot of shit to say but I - I should really not.

...

I mean, I don't know the man.

...

I should really stop right here.

...

I call myself a survivor. I never actually tied the cord around my neck. I never actually stuck the barrel of the gun in my mouth. I never actually put the razor to my wrist, but I did learn that you cut long ways down the arm cuz otherwise the doctor is gonna laugh at you and I knew that when I was gonna do it, I wanted it to be clean. I wanted there to be no turning back. I wanted it to be painless and fast and final. I didn't wanna wake up in a hospital room twelve hours later only to find after having failed everything else in my life that I couldn't even fucking DIE right.

...

I was seventeen.

...

It was over a girl. Fucking stupid, right?

...

No. What woulda been stupid was if I'd a done it.

...

And believe me. That wasn't the last time I considered it. However, I came to a point where I realized that was cheating. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and how dare I look at the entirety of the universe that gave me life and tell it I'd had enough. That I wasn't thankful. That I didn't have to clean the plate placed before me on the table of Life.

...

So suicide is not an option for me any longer. I closed that door, padlocked it, put a chair up against the knob and surrounded it with barbed wire fences and attack dogs and then I built a brick wall around the building inside which that door stood. Then I demolished the city block where that building stood. Then I quarantined that city, seceeded that state from the union and nuked that country. Cuz when you kill yourself, you are a failure. Everything else up until your death is success, even what you perceive to be failure. Cuz you learn something from those failures. Usually you learn not to do it that way again. However, you learn nothing from killing yourself. You're just dead.

...

Carradine? CAINE? BILL!?

...

How? Surely, that man was smarter than me. Surely he understood better than me what the universe has to offer and how rare and precious this gift of life is and you should take what's given you and even if you're just existing even if you're just watching cars rust you're doing more than feeding worms.

...

Maybe it was an accident.

...

Maybe he was in a lot of pain.

...

Maybe there's tens of millions of variables I have no capacity to fathom. Maybe his death was completely sound and logical and he gets a free pass, because of who he is.

...

I really shoulda never started this.

...

It wasn't like the man couldn't get work. I have heard horror stories about famous people in their prime who grew old, penniless, friendless, and forgotten in some old folks home. Carradine was not wasting away his senior citizenship pining for the fjords. The man was filming on location when it happened. Bangkok, Thailand! He was still courted by producers and casting directors and stars and he could still pick and choose his projects. Seventy-two years young, as they say. Maybe there are some lives that are better than the one he lived, but out of around seven billion people living today, I'd be hard pressed to count those living better off than him on my fingers and toes.

...

But then it's all subjective. I mean I doubt Oprah Winfrey could just jet to Bangkok Thailand if she wants because as rich as she is, she's still got contractual obligations. She's kinda rooted to her spot, so long as she's producing her show and running her company. Carradine, however, was a free spirit. Nothing really tied him down if he didn't want it tying him down. If she thinks about it, I bet Oprah Winfrey would find herself easily admiring David Carradine's life. It's all subjective.

...

I really should not hit the Publish Post button. I really should just shut the fuck up and let the man die in peace. Maybe he did have his own obligations tying him down. Shit I couldn't possibly know. Shit that would make me scream and curl up in a fetal position if it were in my life. Maybe his demons were ten thousand times worse than mine, which would be easy to do cuz my demons are all tiny.

...

I mean I can't walk a mile in that man's shoes. I can't know what happened or how or why. I can't judge. I can't ...damn!

...

If he DID.

...

IF he did.

...

If HE did...

...

I was born into a world in which we were going to the Moon. Now, forty years later, I'm living in a world in which a man like that could come to the conclusion that suicide is a choice.

...

David Carradine looked at the entirety of this universe and stared it straight in the face, after over seventy years of success and failure and love and loss and ups and downs and ins and outs and pains and gains and he looked at what the entirety of the universe had served him on his plate and he ate full well of that provided, but then with a few bites still left on his plate, he pushed the plate away from him, stood from the table, and told the universe he was full.

...

Is this what I'm to take from this? That there's a point when you get to say you're done? Seventy-two years is a long time. Maybe he was right to call it quits? You don't have to clean your plate, is that the lesson he's leaving behind? Well hell, why don't we all just put on palm flower lifeclocks and die when we're thirty?

...

Maybe David Carradine is right. Maybe we should all get to choose when and how we die.

...

Why live to portray Bill? Wasn't Caine enough? Why not quit forty years ago if life has no value? Why didn't he stop before his hair went grey? Or before walking started getting a little tougher than it used to be? Why didn't he stop living the first time he realized he couldn't do stunt work the way he used to? Why not quit when he realized things didn't taste as good as they once did? Why not give up at the first sign of inconvenience?

...

Maybe he had recieved news from a doctor or other source that he had cancer or AIDS or otherwise only had a few months to live and they weren't going to be pleasant months from his prediction, and he decided to just end it now while he still had the capability in himself physically to opt to do it himself. While he still had the faculties about him to take fate into his own hands.

...

How did he know there wasn't another wonderful experience just around the corner? Why stop where he did? What difference does it make? How could a man with Carradine's life look at what was immediately before him and go, "It don't get better than this. I better stop now."

...

I used to think Kevorkian had the right idea. If you are facing a life debilitating disease that doesn't kill you, but just makes you wish you were dead, you should have the right to decide how and when you die. I thought I still think that.

...

This though. This came out of left field for me. I don't know if I believe that anymore. I don't know if I ever really believed it. Analytically it makes sense. Why suffer just to cling to a little more life? Just to maybe get to see another sunset? But in pain?

...

I shouldn't have even started. I don't know what the fuck I'm sayin'. I don't know the guy. I got no place - FUCK! CARRADINE! FUCKING CARRADINE!?? HIM!?? OF ALL PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET? DAVID CARRADINE KILLS HIMSELF? FUCK!

...

I don't even know him. It's not like he's the first celebrity to die. It's not like he's the first man to kill himself. It's not like I have any leg to stand on in judging a man loved all over the planet for doing what he loved to do. Heck, I'm even superimposing my opinions in that last sentence. Maybe he didn't love what he did. Maybe he was indifferent to where life put him. I have no way of knowing.

...

But if Carradine can put two and two together and get five.

...

I just can't wrap my mind around this.

...

Fuck.

...

May whatever you believed in bless you and keep you, man.

...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Larry King Game

Yes another entry about Kevin Pollak's Chat Show

What? Am I obsessing? Is this stalking? I never can tell. I'm trying to get through all of Kevin Pollak's Chat Show shows before he makes people pay to see them (which by the way would be very bad form KP but it's up to you how you learn that) (ed note: Adam Carolla makes a fucking point. The bastard. A dollar dime a download's not out of the question but if everything I accessed online started doing that I'd get nickeled and dimed off the 'net in a matter of weeks) and notice how I talk to Mr. Pollak in parentheses as if he'll ever read this webpage, oh I slay me. And the 'KP' as if we're old friends. Nice touch. (ed note: "This hour brought to you by Brand X" very good idea Pollak - back to 1950s radio but w/o the sponsors telling creative talent what to do) Anyway, Pollak's got a good thing going and needs people to drum up support about it and get the word out and this is my own personal very small way of doing that. All three of you that actually read this thing, if there's still three of you, go check out Kevin's show. Tell him Zach sent you. He'll be like, "hubbazawhubba?"

It's the summer. Lost won't be back until next year. Heroes won't be back until this fall, and I don't know if I'll be following it next season cuz damn it's jumped the shark a few times hasn't it? True Blood hasn't started yet. Dollhouse is coming back this fall but Miracle Laurie won't return my tweets cuz let's face it, I'm a little creepy. But not quite as creepy as Larry King, which is a segue I believe into today's ramble.

THE LARRY KING GAME

First off, thanks to Jamie Fox who (as Kevin tells it) basically invented this game for Kevin and he's running with it cuz it's crazy ass fun. As Kevin Pollak has said repeatedly on his show, Larry King the man is a walking fossil. It's only a matter of time before something in Larry King's brain short-circuits, and he says something on the air that his own shrink shouldn't ever know, and about which all his ex-wives are still in therapy. It's comin'. Meanwhile we can pass the time by sharing one another what we think it's gonna be like when Larry King finally goes senile on the air and refers to the guy behind the camera as his momma.

Here's the rules to The Larry King Game:
  1. You must do a bad Larry King impression. It's no fair if you can actually do a good Larry King impression cuz it ruins it for the rest of us. Try to suck at it as hard as you can. That way we all can participate.
  2. Reveal something about yourself as Larry King on the air that no one should really know because lets' face it he's 107.
  3. Then go to the phones and it helps if the name of the city is funny.
Kevin Pollak has suggested alcohol to lubricate your wits prior to participating. What you wanna do is capture your gem of Larryness on video, put it on the Web (YouTube's probably your best bet) and then send the link to contact@kevinpollakschatshow.com don't send the video by email cuz you'll probably piss him off. Don't piss him off. If you do piss him off, don't tell him I sent you.

Now what follows are my notes. I was thinking of doing this. I haven't done it yet. My reasons/excuses include the following:
  1. I can't find a pair of suspenders and even though I wanna do a bad Larry King impression, I can't even call my impression of Larry King good enough to classify as bad, so I need the suspenders so people will notice I'm doing Larry King and not the voice of my Troll puppet - cuz essentially it's the same voice. NOT MY FAULT. I drove around today looking for suspenders and stores don't carry them. I think Larry has his imported from the 19th century.
  2. My video camera is a piece of shit. I bought it at a Fry's Electronics and I think it had been returned at least once before so it was on discount on top of on sale, and I can't afford to get something better. Kevin Pollak threatens to beat up his NASA crew whenever the videos they play get a little choppy on his show, so if I submitted something with my current set up, Pollak would drive to Dallas from Santa Monica for the sole reason of spitting on me and throwing his hat in my face.
  3. I have a lot of material. I don't mean to say that as if I'm boasting. I'm not. I came up with a number of possible ideas for the Larry King game, but which combination of things I should do or say, I'm not all that clear about yet. I've written a lot of them. I can't possibly use them all, and can't decide which bit's the best one, or if any of them are funny. I have a sinking suspicion none of them are, which brings me to my next bit.

HERE'S THE BREAKDOWN...

What follows are bits and pieces that theoretically can be put together in any random order and you'll have yourself an ideal above satisfactory passing abysmal script with which to accomplish The Larry King Game. I'm breaking this mother down to a science. Feel free to suggest your own in the comments. Feel free to take whatever you want. I don't know if I'm doing this or not but by the time I put all this together I'm hoping to come up with something even better. And if not, at least this made an amusing piece of shit blog entry. Pick any one from each of the following lists, read it out loud to yourself in a Larry King voice and tell me what you think.
  • Hi, I'm Larry King.
  • This is Larry King.
  • You're watching The Larry King Show, and I'm your host.. Larry King.
  • Welcome back from the break we were just talking about ecodisaster and Paris Hilton's latest sexual drug-crazed escapades and how they may be related.
  • Before we get to our next guest, Milktoast Jesse Ventura...
  • (or don't introduce yourself. He doesn't always do that)

This Is Larry King...
  • ...if he didn't know where to buy suspenders.
  • ...if he didn't talk like he'd swallowed a frog.
  • ...if he didn't get laid all the time.
  • ...if he weren't jewish.
  • ...if he had a few less ex-wives.
  • ...if he had a vagina van dyke piece of crap beard around his mouth.
  • ...if he were fifty pounds heavier. (OK 100! I'm telling you! It's the camera!)

Clean Revelations
  • Ginkgo Biloba is a sham. It's modern day snake oil and I have made hundreds of thousands of dollars off the sheer utter stupidity of my audience, but I'm totally confident that this microphone isn't on and we're still at commercial, and you didn't just hear me say that.
  • I got one word for you. It's not even just a word. It's a name. Charo... I know you know what I know you mean.
  • I look at the USA Today Crossword Puzzle solely to see if my name is used as an answer. Five down five letters Blank King Show starts with an L. I never appear anymore. Tim Parker is a boogerhead.
  • I go down the stairs alone or in pairs.
  • I think Kate can do better than Jack.
  • Sex and the City was great until that Mannequin chick got old and had cancer. What a buzzkill.
  • Jon Stewart scares the ever lovin' crap outta me. He's singlehandedly taken down Crossfire! What hope have I got? I'm never booking him again. Unless he really wants me to. *gulp!*
  • My suspenders will self-destruct in five seconds. (stare into camera silent for five seconds) Fooled you!
  • I'm having another heart attack right this very moment but I've taken so much viagra, you can't tell. I can though. It hurts.
  • If it weren't for me there would be no CNN. There. I said it. You may kiss my ring.
  • Ashton Kutcher is a punk!
  • I'm driving under the influence of NASCAR!
  • You are the pope of all you survey. Please melt the davenport for autumn when albacore is in season. Genuflect me. I am allergic to melting timepieces.
  • On Thanksgiving I like to go down to the Macy's Parade and blow up the balloons.. because I'm full of hot air.
  • Thank God that The Golden Girls live on forever in reruns. Hey! How come my show isn't in syndication anywhere? I wanna live on forever.
  • I hate you. I hate all of you. I don't know why you pobuckers even watch my show because I despise every single one of your beady eyes lookin' at me every night. The only reason why I still do this show is for my ego which cannot be satiated, and also so I can afford all the divorce settlements.
  • Why the hell did they cancel My Name Is Earl? I was watching that!
  • I'm hot for teacher.
  • When you lie about your age, the terrorists win. (ed note: he actually said this on his show)
  • Jerry Springer is a saint!
  • Benjamin Sisko was the greatest Star Trek captain of all time. Scott Bakula runs a close second.
  • I think Kate can do better than Jon, but she'll have to dump the other eight, cuz no other man's gonna have her now. She's ruined if she leaves him. What's she thinking?
  • My underwear is itchy.
  • Bald Britney Spears made me reach for my viagra. She was hot!
  • I found out what happened to all the virginities women have lost since the Dawn of Man - they're behind Neil Diamond's couch.
  • I've been silently passing gas nonstop since 1967.
  • I lost my virginity at the age of thirteen to a vacuum cleaner.. got it back though.
  • When I want fast relief, I reach for a broom handle.
  • I think Kate can do better than Petruchio.

Blue Revelations
  • Chuck Norris can kiss my ass! He can't do all that stuff!
  • I say nuke'em from orbit! Make'em glass! Let's kill the bastards!
  • Cow dung tastes great with tobasco sauce. Everything tastes great with tobasco sauce.
  • Rachel Maddows shifts my nads into third.
  • Neil Patrick Harris shifts my nads into third.
  • A stiff breeze shifts my nads into third.
  • Marijuana is the greatest thing on the planet I've had since my second ex-wife's left breast in my mouth.
  • I have to have golden showers explained to me. Daily. Just cuz.
  • My shit don't stink. If my shit did stink, it'd smell like lilacs.
  • ..I once fucked a hippopatamus. Why? Cuz I'm fucking Larry King that's why. And I got a big dick! Kevin Pollak is jealous of my big dick! My dick is tan and leathery, multi-purposed and as versatile as a set of expensive luggage. Women love to pack my big fat dick!
  • ..when at the publid urinal I like to turn and 'accidentally' pee on the shoes of strangers. Why? Cuz I'm Larry King, I'm older than you, and I can get away with it. What you gonna do?
  • I fucked Pia Zadora. I had her right on this desk. Would you believe she once went to charm school? Me either.
  • My nipples are rock hard right now in anticipation of our next guest, and I've spooged in my corduroys. I wouldn't lie to you.

Blatantly Stolen Revelations
  • I'm on top of the world looking down on creation, and the only explanation I can find is the love that I found ever since you been around. Your love's put me at the top of the world.
  • I'm afraid of Virginia Wolff
  • I'd like to say I miss all of my ex-wives. I really miss them a lot. I'd take a good swing, but I'd still miss them. They always seem to duck out the way just in time. (Bob Nelson Falls, Idaho-- hello!)
  • Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
  • Do you ever watch films about gladiators?
  • If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
  • I am no longer infected.
  • I'm a little teapot short and stout. This is my handle. This is my spout.
  • I'm Larry King and you're not. Our top story tonight. Julio Francisco Franco is still dead. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Chevy Chase Maryland, you're on!)
  • I'm Larry King, but you can call me Ishmael.
  • Soylent green is made of people. Green people.

Silly City Name, Random State

  • WallaWalla, Washington
  • Battle Creek, Michigan
  • Kansas City, Missouri
  • Salem, Massachusets,
  • Waco, Texas
  • Albatross, Mississippi
  • Hoobastank, Oklahoma
  • Peonmia, Illinois
  • Whoozyerdaddy, Delaware
  • Ollie Ollie Oxen Free, Pennsylvania
  • Saint Cherdadeeztalkshow, Arizona
  • Barcolounger, South Carolina
  • rideUPmycrotch, Kentucky
  • iwaswunDERingwhenYEWdask, Alaska
  • Yersoakinginit, Montana
  • Winnipeg, Canada
  • Nairobi, Kenya
  • Rio de Janero, Brazil
  • Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
  • Antares Nebula
  • Fourth Star On The Right And Straight On Till Morning
  • Europa, Jupiter


Go to the Phones
  • Hello.
  • Hello?
  • Hello!
  • What's your question?
  • You're on!
  • Hi!
  • How's it going?
  • What's your dysfunction?
  • Whaddaya want?
  • How's it hanging?
  • You owe me five bucks.
  • Say something.
  • I'm not gonna live much longer and you're killin' me with your silence.
  • My car is double parked.
  • Quit stalking me.
  • Let's go to the phones!
  • Yes!
  • I'm incontinent!
  • Go!

And the winner is..!

This is Larry King, if he were fifty pounds heavier, and a gentile, and had less ex-wives. Welcome back from the break! We were just talking about whether or not it does grow back. I have to have golden showers explained to me. Daily. Just cuz. Europa, Jupiter. What's your question?