Saturday, December 18, 2010

advance meri xmas and appee new year.. :))

May all your Columbus days be turquoise.

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would you rather go to the office xmas party or your partners family xmas party?

I don't have a partner so I'd have to say office party.

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If you were Santa....would I get a present?

That would depend on The Naughty List. Since I'm not Santa, I can't check to see if you're on it or not.

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do you think formspring would be cooler if it let us give props for great answers, and have a comment space?

Those sound like good ideas. I also wish Formspring and Vyou.com could join forces. But then I also think it'd be cool to watch pigs fly. What do i know?

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what's your new year's resolutions?

To get new glasses, maybe a better paying job, and to make no new years resolutions.

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Do you have a tattoo you regret? why? don't like the subject..don't like the placement....don't like the color....etc..

I don't have any tattoos. I have considered getting a pale blue dot on my left wrist over a faded birthmark. I regret not having already done that.

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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bible study is essential part of the Christian experience. I have done it for many years and have come to many conclusions 'outside' of anyone's curricula. But I still believe God is who He says He is. What did you believe about the person of God/Jesus?

I believed that God was the Father of Jesus and the Creator of all things. I believed that God had a personal relationship with each and every part of his creation, and being omniscient and omnipresent, was able to commune regularly with each and every individual on the planet if he so chose simultaneously. I believed he was God, so he could do anything. However, without even questioning the logic of this, I often assumed he would be on my side of any issue, unless I was given evidence otherwise, which was also, often. So over time I observed that what I would want and what I would get were two different things. I'd desire to have my prayers fulfilled but they'd either be ignored or answered in the negative by events that occurred around me. So I became the butt of God's jokes, and I felt I was little more than a victim of his sick sense of humor.

I believed that Jesus died for the sins of all mankind and resided in a special place in my heart and was there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend. Prayer was like calling up your best friend on a cellphone. This was before there were things like cellphones. I wouldn't have to talk out loud. I could just think and he'd hear my thoughts. Listen to whatever my problem was and say he'd look into it. While God towards the end grew more and more vindictive, Jesus was always my arbiter. I saw these two as both the same guy and separate entities, and it wasn't until later, over time, that the sheer absurdity of that occurred to me. As for The Holy Spirit, after my dabbling in mystic stuff in my youth, I'd decided the Holy Spirit a gift that I returned like a pair of socks. Speaking in tongues can be really scary if you actually believe in it.

Many years later I realized how magic - all magic - doesn't exist. You can't pick and choose. You can't say well there's no such thing as unicorns but some ghosts might be real. You can't dismiss fairies but accept angels. If magic functioned in this universe, subatomic particles would be unnecessary. Everything would be made by mystic energy. Alchemy would have worked. It's all or nothing. Science or Magic. You can't have a reality in which both co-exist.

So when someone feels they've experienced magical events, there is ALWAYS a more rational explanation. I had to face the fact that every time I thought I was communing with ghosts or angels or "guides" or fighting demons on others' behalf, I was really talking to myself. That's sobering. It's a form of insanity, and it's disturbing to me now realizing just how many people walking around every day are as guilty of that as I was. We're talking billions of people worldwide who believe this stuff is real without any actual evidence. They believe because it's what they feel.

The other day I was at a restaurant and witnessed four people quietly hold hands and bow their heads and it made my skin crawl. I used to do that. It's very subtle, but when you see that there's literally nothing to that. That it's just people fooling themselves into believing something that's not real, that's sobering. Leaders of the free world talk to air & think they're communing with the creator of all things. People who operate heavy machinery from cars to airplanes honestly think a god is their copilot. It boggles the mind.

I used to believe all that too. Frankly I'm surprised mankind hasn't metaphorically driven itself off a cliff by now.

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I know very few Christians who would say that they feel or even have ever felt, the presence of Jesus (or the Spirit) in their lives. I consider you 'lucky'. When you experienced His presence what were you doing? How did it make you feel? Do you miss it?

It's not luck. You can experience this yourself if you want. At the time I was exploring speaking in tongues and other "gifts" and I was reading up on Edgar Cayce, ESP, meditation, dream interpretation, OBEs, channeling, automatic writing and before me and some friends scared ourselves silly I teetered over the edge of "the dark side" and for a time I had convinced myself I was able to communicate w/spirits by just holding a pencil on a pad of paper and putting myself into a light trance.

This is essentially a trick the mind can play on itself. Multiple personalities and schizophrenia are extreme forms of the mind convincing itself that reality is not as it actually is, but that there's layers delving beyond tangible reality that can be tapped via the unconscious mind. However, for a few years there, this sort of stuff was very real to me and many people around me. Family and friends. I looked into parapsychology and over time became frustrated that at every turn all I found was double talk and inconclusive evidence. Countless sightings but no evidence that scientists would take seriously, and back then I thought the scientists were the villains; that they were either arrogant, ignorant, or in some cases there must be some sort of conspiracy where the truth of this phenomena was being kept from people.

Now I simply see that there's no conclusive evidence, because none of it was real, but it took decades of convincing before I'd relent to that inevitable conclusion.

Throughout history mankind has uncovered ways in which we can alter our perception, and sometimes this is mistaken as touching the divine spark. It's all chemical imbalances and can be scientifically explained. In recent years scientists have been exploring something called The God Helmet which I recommend googling. Fascinating stuff. Drugs can also be easy ways to try triggering an apparent experience w/your god. Some athletes find adrenaline rushes akin to communing with their creator.

As Charles Dickens once wrote, "there's more gravy than grave to you spirit." Turns out in that fiction, Scrooge was wrong. However, in reality, the ghost of Marlowe really is just something we ate.

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Religion does make people afraid. But even Jesus says to question, even question Him. People should always ask questions and seek answers. What was your most pressing question as a believer?

I don't recall Jesus saying to question him. That's certainly not a tenet of any Abrahamic cult of which I'm familiar. Generally knowledge outside accepted dogma is deemed sacrilege. Fear is a tool that leaders in churches use to manipulate and control their flocks. As for the most pressing question? I don't know if this qualifies but perhaps the first question I recall having which stumped the youth director and began to set me apart from others in our Wednesday bible classes was how did Joseph take all this? Mary has a meeting alone with one of God's angels. God himself doesn't even make an appearance. it's one of his angels that appears before Mary and the angel tells her she's gonna have God's son, and she tells Joe this. She's got a baby on the way and Joe knows he had nothing to do with it. How's he supposed to take this? How did Joe know the kid was god's? There are other explanations. That got a laugh in the room that night, but I was seriously curious. I mean how do we know this wasn't some normal human who somehow convinced Mary he was an angel, so she'd sleep with him? Maybe that's how date rapes happened two thousand years ago. I'd think Joe would go on a murdering rampage hunting down any guy hanging out at bars talking up girls about how he's secretly an angel sent from heaven.

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Children are indoctrinated into the belief systems of their caregivers. So your experience as a 'christian youth' is typical of humanity. Now that you are an atheist how much of that indoctrination remains in your daily life?

Probably more than I'm consciously aware, but I'm too close to it to really properly diagnose or identify much of it in myself.

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Bumming 'girlie smokes' is a funny story. What else did you do because others were doing it? And more importantly, what didn't you do when they were all 'doing it'?

What I didn't do when everyone else was doing it? Well apparently there was a lot more homosexual behavior happening around me in high school and college than I was aware. I found out years later that people were gay and I didn't know. My gaydar is for suck.

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You told me to 'examine the historical evidence.' I agree this is important. But right now, not really relevant. I want to know what happened to you. Before evidentiary expulsion of God occurred. What was your fav bible verse?

John 1:5 "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has never put it out." It's still my favorite quote, but for different reasons. Now what had been in the shadows is lit also. Religion only works so long as it keeps us afraid to look in the dark.

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If you are old enough to know better...then why do you do it?

cuz it's fun, and life's too short.

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How deep was the rabbit hole for you? As Christians, we are called to a personal relationship with Christ. Would you say you had that? What was it like?

I went in pretty deep. We referred to ourselves playfully as Jesus Freaks back when I was a teenager. Church every Sunday & Wednesday. It was a social & cultural thing and I was surrounded by like-minded individuals who never questioned our beliefs so it was like we were in a social bottle. Bible study was a natural part of life and I seriously felt JC was like a big brother always there when I needed him, spiritually speaking. It didn't occur to me at the time, but we never really read the bible in any sequential order. The leader of the group would take a passage and we'd discuss just that few verses or just that chapter, and wouldn't delve or venture outside preset plans of the instructor. I started reading on my own and I'd come back with questions but either the instructor wasn't prepared to answer the questions because I was venturing outside the preset curriculum, or the answers they could provide left me with even more questions. And reading the bible just made me uncomfortable. I'd be told I was interpreting from a modern sensibility and should see things more in context, but I distinctly remember reading Paul's letters on my own and coming away from the bible thinking he was a ripe ass bastard, in any time period.

Even after I moved away from that environment to live in others that were less conducive to reinforcing a religious belief structure and lifestyle, I still prayed & felt JC's presence in my life until a few years ago, when I realized that as intense as his presence sometimes felt, there's objectively no difference between that and daydreaming or otherwise using my imagination. It's a lie Believers tell to themselves, but it's very convincing. I didn't choose to stop believing. When objectively confronted with real life, unenforced by constant conditioning, the truth will out. I just woke up one day and realized I could no longer lie to myself. Reality doesn't support the fantasy.

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Why did you smoke?

I started in college cuz all my friends smoked & I was a stressed out freshman. Smoking calmed me down or so I thought. I started by smoking girly cigs like Virginia Slims cuz I was bumming off girls I was hanging out with until they told me to start buying my own. LOL Never understood Capris. Damn toothpick cigs.

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Friday, November 5, 2010

What was the weirdest gift you ever received?

An "IOU one kiss" from a lady friend who soon afterward admitted to herself & our mutual circle of friends that she was a lesbian. I never got to collect on that IOU and have since long lost the scrap of paper.

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Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf?

Depends on which source material we're referring to here. Cuz Twilight vampires are not in my opinion actual vampires they're more like TwinkPyres so I'd prefer to be a Twilight Werewolf. Joss Whedon's vampires were really cool, provided they didn't go toe to toe w/a slayer, unless she thought he was got. Werewolves in Joss' universe spend a lot of time behind bars so I'd have to be a vampire in Joss' universe. If we're talking the Lugosi/Chaney kinda vampire/werewolf, I'd rather be a mad scientist digging up bodies & animating dead tissue cuz that looked more like fun.

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If you had to cook dinner for someone tonight, what would you make?

sandwiches.

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Who's the most beautiful person you know?

My opinion of physical beauty is constantly changing, more often than I care to admit to myself. True beauty is more than just good looks, and impossible to properly objectively quantify with a best singular choice.

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What kind of music can you just not stand to listen to?

Unimaginative, droning, repetitive drivel. Doesn't matter the genre. I'll listen to any genre if it's creative & inspiring.

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formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ZachsMind

how old are u?

Old enough to know better but I do it anyway.

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Sunday, October 17, 2010

A priest, a pedophile and a hypocrit walk into a bar. What does he order?

A sign reading: "Caution: obstacle in way."

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I would like to learn something new. Expand my horizons and enjoy a new habit or hobby. Suggest something for me to try? I

I miss smoking cigarettes, but I don't recommend you start. Hobbies should merge organically out of your own interests. I'm not a fan of someone just taking up rock climbing or stamp collecting if they don't have some interest in that direction. I enjoyed acting in my youth so I still find myself critiquing tv & movies for the cast performances, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend movie critiquing for just anybody. I can't even say I'm good at it. I just enjoy it.

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I have been noodling on exactly what I should ask you. And have gone round and round. But it occurred to me I should declare myself first. I am a Christian, though as my Dad would say, I am in rebellion. What do you think of that?

I think you should examine for yourself the historical evidence available outside the bible for your christ, and ask yourself why you believe in what cannot be proven. I am not interested in converting people to atheism, but I am interested in people learning for themselves that they are being swindled and tricked. Science doesn't manipulate, coerce, or condition people. A scientist could care less whether or not you believe. I'm not a scientist. At my heart I'm an artist and a dreamer, but I find a respectful honesty in the arrogance of science.

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Como é que o Tarzan conseguia estar sempre barbeado?

Tarzan raspou com a lâmina de Jane. Eu não falo o português. Você fala o inglês? babelfish.yahoo.com

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I should also state that I am particularly interested in understanding your past Christian experiences. Can we agree that when I ask you a question I am asking about your Christian past and not necessarily your Atheist present?

I'm more interested in who i am now than who i was then.

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Rebellious or not, I find that my Christian experiences are very hard to deny. They are, regardless of the realness, a very integrated part of me. As such, I find it difficult to understand how you are now an atheist. Can we explore that?

I used to feel that way too. Being christian was, I thought, a part of who I was. That's a misnomer. For many years I clung to what's essentially Pascal's Wager. I was born christian so not being one anymore meant i was no longer me, and what if I'm wrong? I'd be not me in hell burning forever. I didn't like the sound of that. However, I didn't become an atheist overnight, while at the same time I did. It was a laborious process, but one day I realized that not only could I no longer be a christian but I hadn't been one for awhile. While I could theoretically live in a delusion so long as I consciously don't see it, I could no longer live in that delusion after seeing evidence that it was one.

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My first question is what, when you were a Christian, did you consider a Christian to be? What made you a Christian?

A christian asked JC into his life. That was pretty much it. Beyond that I tried not to be judgy. If you told me you were a Christian, that's all I assumed it meant. I liked to think added to that was that you at least tried to do the right thing, but one couldn't bank on that.

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Do you believe in serendipity? And if so have you had a 'serendipitous experience'? What was it?

Isn't she a stripper? I never dated Serendipity but I know a guy who did and she was nothin' but a gold digger. I steer clear of those. Mostly cuz I can't afford 'em.

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How do I get rid of a raccoon out of my attic? I think he is a she and is making a winter nest in all my insulation!

Insist it pays rent. That'll git rid of it.

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How come the smallest toes have the uglies toe nails?

Ugliness is subjective. I think my big toes are ugly too.

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I need a real cure for insomnia. Do you have any ideas I might try?

Benedryl works for me. Whether I want to sleep or not.

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Friday, October 8, 2010

You can be any kind of animal for a day. What would you choose? And why?

Human, cuz I have more experience with those.

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What's your favorite book?

Failure Is Not An Option, by Gene Kranz - nonfiction memoir of NASA's early days that reads like a scifi novel. The works of Douglas Adams run a close second.

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Your on a desert island, what 3 things do you take?

A fully furnished yacht. A beautiful woman who can captain a boat, fish and finds me sexually attractive. A box of condoms.

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Friday, October 1, 2010

Dando certo ou não, vale a pena tentar ?

Giving certain or not, valley the penalty to try?

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You just jumped out of an airplane and realized your parachute isn't going to open. You have 15 seconds before you hit the ground. What do you scream out loud?

At terminal velocity, you can't even hear yourself screaming over the wind. I generally avoid airplanes anyway. I have no faith in parachutes.

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You're given the opportunity to run one Fortune 500 company for one year. Which one do you pick and why?

It doesn't matter. I'd either purposefully or accidentally run it into the ground inside of six months. I'm not exactly corporate oligarchy material.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Cher, Madonna, or Lady Gaga? Why?

I've followed Cher's career since my childhood, and my parents met her when she filmed Silkwood with Meryl Streep. So of these three talented ladies I'd have to choose Cher. However, I am impressed by Lady Gaga's recent combination of publicity stunts and philanthopy, bringing attention to Don't Ask Don't Tell and individuality and the like. I admire her spunk. Madonna used to espouse amoral philandering which I begrudgingly respected, until she became a real mother, at which point she got religion and turned into a hypocritical waste of phlegm.

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

She is your significant other, friend w/benefits. U *CARE* about her. She is crying uncontrollably. You don't yet know why. 1) How do you feel when you *FIRST* realize she is crying? 2) What is the *FIRST* thing you think to do? 3)What do u actually do?

1) "oh great NOW what?" 2) ask her what's wrong. 3) ask her what's wrong.

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What are your favorite colours or tones?

purple and b flat.

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are you following me on formspring yet?I'm following you.

Uhm.. I am NOW..? hee

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do you think formspring should tell you who your followers are? If so,forward this question to all your friends on formspringer <----lol

I think formspring should tell me when I have questions. These have been sitting here for three weeks. Or maybe I should go here more often. I'd totally forgotten this was here.

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IF I were male, I think I would be quite different as my parents would've raised me differently. Unfettered male, bane of every virgin, holy terror & probably dead by 30.Have you ever wondered how your life would be different if you were the opposite sex?

If I were the opposite sex, I'd probably be a lesbian, so I doubt I'd be getting any more or less sex than I am right now.

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did you know that you can get your link on formspring without spamming? Just ask your friends a question, and alot will goto your profile and click on your link there just out of curiosity.I'll tell you now,mine goes to the secret behind Twitter....

No spamming? Where's the fun in that!??

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

What was your favorite year?

1985 was a good year for movies, but I like to think in terms of my life, the best is yet to come. Here's hoping I haven't experienced my favorite year yet.

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Cats or Dogs?

When married, I reluctantly became a dog person for the sake of my wife, but I currently do not own any pets nor do I wish to do so. I have allergies that pet dander sets off. If I must be one or the other, I dislike dogs less than I do cats, but that's a slim matter of degrees.

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Do you believe in ghosts?

No, but that's a cheap answer. I no longer believe in anything. I have come to the conclusion based on experiential and anecdotal evidence that "belief" and "faith" are dangers of The Human Condition and am experimenting with a lifestyle that doesn't involve belief or faith. There's no proof to the concept of souls, or an afterlife, or anything supernatural or paranormal, which rules out ghosts as even remotely possible.

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Do you consider yourself a good dancer?

Not in the least.

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What music are you listening to today?

Listened @JedWhedon and @TSFMusic past couple weeks and am seriously considering buying their latest albums soon as I get some disposable income. Woke up this morn w/Men At Work in my head. Haven't listened to much music today. Was mostly watching tv shows on @Hulu. Come to think of it, I did karaoke to a couple Billy Joel songs in the privacy of my home (no audience) and watched a YouTube video of XTC's "Dear God" a few hours ago.

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Whiskey with a beer chaser or straight up?

I'll just take the beer. Not a whiskey man. Prefer fruit vodka drinks if I'm going to do hard liquor, but I generally don't mix beer & spirits. If I start w/vodka I don't then chase it down w/beer. That'd just make me sick.

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If you were a Star Trek [or Star Wars] character, which one would it be?

I would be a new character, loosely based on myself, in that particular universe. I couldn't play Jabba The Hut or Wil Riker, but I could imagine someone like me in those fantastical settings. Contemplations beyond that would lead to unpopular fanfic. Look up "Mary Sue" for more enlightenment on that idea.

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what is the riskiest decision you ever made in your life?

Not committing suicide some twenty years ago. It's still far riskier to live than it would have been to give up so easily.

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He dropped 3 stones on my stomach. One settled into the hollow of belly button. They were rubies, dark, uncut, valuable. "To help you along the way" he said. I've never sold them. What's the most precious thing given to you? By whom? Do you still have it?

The most precious thing I can recall as a gift was when my dad bought me my first computer. I no longer have it, but he did so at some cost back then, and the education I got from having it in my possession has since served me well.

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Does your significant other wear a perfume/scent of some sort? What is it called, if you know? Do you like it? if not, what would you prefer?

I'm happily divorced, and don't have a significant other currently. I prefer a woman who smells like she has bathed recently. Aside from that, I'm not particular. I don't memorize scents. In fact I have allergies so some strong perfumes on a lady of interest might backfire if she used such things to attract me like I was a bee or something.

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I saw a gorgeous engagement ring. It was 3 square cut diamonds, mounted in a platinum band. Truly expensive, but beautiful &I really wanted it. My girlfriend said I should buy it towear on my right hand.What do you think about me buying it? Would you?

IMNSHO any encouragement of the use of diamonds for sale or trade perpetuates the blood money practices that involve a lot of precious jewels. Perhaps one can single out a particular diamond and say that one has nothing to do w/such practices, but its the principle of the thing. People die senselessly over the greed & vanity of diamond currency. I do not recommend ever participating in the diamond trade, but to each his/her own.

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ln6fmjAN8I

I liked it. Wish the sound quality was better. I think these guys should go on America's Got Talent next year.

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Opps! Sorry about the double post before (I am permanently distracted). So I grant you the gift of immortality and the deep and mysterious power of the vampire to entrance, coerce, influence and control (no you don't need to suck blood) What do you do?

So I have immortality, mind control, but I don't need to suck blood. Do I twinkle in sunlight? I must not disintegrate by fire in sunlight because if I did then I'm not very immortal, am I? If I twinkle then I'm a Twilight TwinkPyre and will be chased around creation by crowds of willing teenage females which quite frankly is the last thing I want. That never goes well. I've seen reruns of The Monkees. Do I get to brood a lot? That looks like fun. Oh. What do I do? I would pull the mental whammy on Miracle Laurie until she is helplessly devoted to me, and then force her to teach me Hawaiian dance techniques.

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There was a guy named Jimmy. He once cracked some corn and according to lore, no one cares. Why is there a song about it?

To be more specific, the individual who wrote the song did not care. However, he obviously felt that others would. Whether or not anyone actually did is lost in the obscurities of time, of which there are three.

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"The most beautiful emotion we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of all true art and science. "from @antallan. On days when you are 'present' do you experience this emotion?

Uh.. "the mysterious" is not an emotion. One cannot feel mysterious. One can arouse curiosity and wonder in others by being mysterious to them, but one does not then feel mysterious when doing so. So calling "the mysterious" a "fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of all true art and science" is a statement that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. We walk up to this alleged cradle and look around and we wouldn't find anything. So whether the mysterious is present or not, what you're experiencing is last night's dinner disagreeing with today's digestive constitution. There's more gravy than grave to this spirit. I hope that answers your question.

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I was alone, in front of a store. waiting 4 friends . A woman drove by (40ish red hair)&screamed 'you fucking cunt whore' at me. I don't know why. It made me perplexed. If this happened 2 u & u saw the person again what would you do/say to them?

"...CALL ME!" or "..I LOVE YOU TOO!" or "..YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE MADAM!" or "..WHAT'S THE AIR SPEED VELOCITY OF AN UNLADEN SPARROW!?"

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I stand in the full length mirror, naked, undone. I examen everything w/ a critical eye. Suddenly, I can see it all so clearly: hair, eyes, skin, soul. It is beautiful. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

What do I see? I see that if I jump up and down, parts of me wobble like jelly while other parts remain perfectly still, defying the laws of physics. It's fascinating. I could do that for hours.

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Monday, August 2, 2010

If you were God, and yes I mean that literally (omniscient, all powerful, eternal and infallible)' what three things in humanity, creation (all things that exist) or time would you change? Why?

Hypothetically speaking of course, the first thing I'd do is write a much better book. It wouldn't be a sciency book per se but it would have a little science in it tho not so much as to scare off the dummies. It would encourage the little humans to seek knowledge and treat each other far nicer than they do now.

Secondly I'd turn off my omniscience, cuz I imagine that'd get really annoying fast. I'd keep the all powerful, eternal & infallible things tho cuz I bet they'd come in handy. Actually I'd like to use that omni thing now and then. I'd have like a light switch that follows me around & when I'm bored I'd turn that on. Probably mostly to watch porn.

That way, as god, I'd be fully within my rights to check in on Christina Hendricks as she's bathing, but I could only do it when I'm omniscient, so I'd probably be quickly distracted by stuff that threatened the universe again. I'd go fix that, then come back only to find Ms. Hendricks was now done bathing and wearing way too many clothes again. She should wear less clothes. I'd be tempted to appear before Christina Hendricks as she prayed and ask her to start a nudist colony to honor the One True Dude Who Made Her So Perfect and then maybe after that I'd have the nerves to ask her out on a date. I mean, I would be god after all. Can't gods get chicks whenever they want? Then again, maybe I should aim a little lower than Christina Hendricks.

The truth of the matter is, being god, and omniscient, I'd know that Christina Hendricks is secretly gay. And that I made her that way which makes her being gay totally okay cuz I'm god and I'm perfect and stuff.

Third, I'd wish for more wishes. That way I could continue being god as much as I wanted despite the fact it's a totally absurd concept. Maybe Janeane Garofalo would be impressed if I showed up while she was bathing and announced I was god... No, she'd probably reach for a can of mace and kick my ass. Maybe I should try lusting after women who couldn't kick my godlike ass.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Are crepes yummy, gay, or just French?

I think they are all 3 not that there's anything wrong w/dat.

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if you had a motto, what would it be?

I have a motto. "Head in clouds Heart on sleeve Foot in mouth." I should probably convert it into Latin someday.

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Friday, July 16, 2010

You strike me a serious. If on the second date you expect her 'to laugh at my jokes', what kind of jokes do you tell? That is to say, is there a formula? Or can you do 'random funny'?

I say stuff that I think is funny, but other ppl don't, so if a lady wants a 2nd date w/me, it helps if she knows instinctively when I say something that I think is funny, and responds accordingly. I think that matters more to me than the size of her breasts. I'm pretty sure.

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So what happened to your car?

Left me for a Lamborghini. She was a whore of a car.

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How many languages do you speak?

One, and not well.

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You're single and you've got a date on Saturday night with someone you've had a recent attraction to. What is something that is EXPECTED of the other party during that date?

She should laugh at my jokes.

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What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?

Fortunes are not found; they are made.

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Who's the sexiest man alive?

The guy who currently gets more sex than any other man w/o dying of a heart attack. It's a guy too busy having sex to get his picture taken for the cover of magazines.

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What's the best place near you to get a drink?

my refrigerator

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If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?

me, myself, and i.

Ask me anything

DAMN RIGHT HAN SHOT FIRST! Are there people out there who actually accept Greedo shot first? What is this world coming to? Anarchy! Blasphemy! There is NO GOD! well... we knew that.

I honestly don't get what George Lucas was thinking, unless he purposefully intended to stir up controversy so that he could sell more retreads of that movie. It was probably a marketing ploy.

Ask me anything

On a scale of 1-10, rate your parallel-parking skills.

Zero. When I had a car, I rarely if ever parallel parked. Sometimes going out of my way to avoid it. Nowadays I take the bus, which removes the dilemma quite nicely. Let someone else deal w/the headache of traffic.

Ask me anything

Monday, July 12, 2010

What was your favorite movie as a child?

The original Star Wars before George Lucas went back and "finished" it. Yes I'm one of the geeks who insists that Han Shot First. Star Wars was number one on my list for a long time and it's still in my personal top ten. Since then though, Citizen Kane, Ghostbusters & Princess Bride have beaten it.

Ask me anything

What's one food you'll never eat again?

The few times I ate at Jack In The Box led to an unhappy tummy. However, when it comes to food I don't make a habit of saying never again.

Ask me anything

What's the best place near you to get a pizza?

I order @PizzaHut online and they deliver.

Ask me anything

What's your dream car?

A limo w/a chauffeur.

Ask me anything

What YouTube video made you laugh recently?

I enjoy @AskCarrieLee's funny and also Greg Benson of @MediocreFilms. MarkDayComedy comes to mind. There's really too many to name here. This is a partial list I threw together until I got bored.

http://www.youtube.com/AskCarrieLee
http://www.youtube.com/MediocreFilms
http://www.youtube.com/MarkDayComedy
http://www.youtube.com/vlogbrothers
http://www.youtube.com/RoosterTeeth
http://www.youtube.com/PuzzlingEvidenceTV
http://www.youtube.com/kilplixism
http://www.youtube.com/ijustine

Ask me anything

being an ex-Christian urself, how long did it take u 2 quit anthropomorphizing what might/might not be & wondering, even when ur not positive if it exists, if it is good (all accepting) or bad (eternal punishment4not believing in it correctly enough

I'm sorry. I've read this several times, Christi and I just don't get what you're trying to ask. I was never equating what might be to animals. How long did what take? It took me literally decades to realize I was atheist, but I had abandoned first the Baptist denomination in my teens, then literal interpretations of the bible in my twenties, then I was more of a deist by the time I was 30 but still held to the trappings of being saved and having Jesus in my heart and all that stuff. Then about a year and a half ago I had an operation that led me to realize there just isn't a god, and since there isn't a god, none of that other stuff is real either. So it's taken my whole life to get to this point. Some people realize they're being conned faster than others. I fell for the whole religious thing because it had been fed to me from birth. I had no reason not to believe, until I observed reality and it just didn't mesh with what religion insists it should be. So either reality is wrong or religion is, and I got tired of accusing reality of being wrong. Cuz it's not. Man invented religion, and man is very fallible. Reality just is, whether we perceive it as it is or not. I hope that answers your question.

Ask me anything

Friday, July 2, 2010

what is your favorite Led Zeppelin song?

"Stairway To Heaven" is the obvious answer. I wanted a slightly less obvious answer: "Misty Mountain Hop." Here's a cover by Virtual Led Zeppelin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVbC_XBKn2E..this is the real reason why the Internet exists.Play

Ask me anything

Monday, June 7, 2010

Do you believe in fate?

No, but then I no longer believe in anything. I feel sometimes events are destined, and have sensed doom, or felt my life on a course I'm unable to alter. I don't think it's plausible. To quote from the tv series Lost, "one should not mistake coincidence for fate."

Ask me anything

What was the happiest moment in your life?

Here's hoping it hasn't happened yet, cuz that'd suck. I can't remember THE happiest moment in my life so far, so it must not have been all that memorable. Tho I've shared some awesome orgasms in the company of a lady, I'm kinda hoping there's happier things than sex out there somewhere.

Ask me anything

What was the worst place you've traveled to?

Had to travel to Kansas City with my then girlfriend in her car to pick up my stranded ex-wife. That was awkward.

Ask me anything

Who's the funniest person you know?

At the moment it's a tie between @GregBenson and @PaymanBenz but my opinion on funniest person changes a lot.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite type of flower?

Plastic ones. I don't like flowers cuz I'm allergic.

Ask me anything

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Friday, May 21, 2010

boxers or briefs?

Always briefs. Boxers lend no.. uhm.. support.

Ask me anything

Thursday, May 20, 2010

formspring.me

Ask me anything. Maybe I'll #Cinch back http://formspring.me/ZachsMind

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

What's the secret to happiness?

roof over my head. food in my belly. clothes on my back. enough money in the bank to keep the wolves at bay. dependable access to the world wide web. knowledge to keep one's needs and wants as simple as possible. inkling that one can never truly be satisfied, but that little gumption can bring about happiness too.

Ask me anything

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What was the worst place you've traveled to?

My bathroom. Someone really should get in there and do something about it.

Ask me anything

Do you believe in angels?

No but I do believe in good samaritans.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me a silly question http://formspring.me/ZachsMind

Thursday, March 25, 2010

What would be the best workplace perk?

Daily BJs from an adoring & adorable redhead that smells like caramel & mint juleps. ...What? I meant Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers delivered to my cubicle! What did you THINK I meant? You naughty minded person, you? Although that would be nice too come to think of it...

Ask me anything

Monday, March 22, 2010

Why do you think that Blogger, Facebook and Twitter will become obsolete in the next ten years?

Technology is still changing and evolving. If I'm wrong, and Blogger, Facebook and Twitter still exist in their current states a decade from now, it will mean technology and humanity have grown stagnant. The past ten years have shown remarkable growth in this industry with no indications that this growth is abating. I don't know what will replace them a decade from now, but based on events of the recent past and humanity's tendency to learn from past mistakes over time and (despite some people's fears) continue pressing ever forward, it would be wrong to assume otherwise.

Ask me anything

Thursday, March 18, 2010

When was the last time you gave flowers?

Funny story. Was dating this beautiful woman. I'd have to say about ten years ago now. She mentioned in passing that I never bought her flowers. I explained I never buy women flowers cuz flowers die and I'd rather spend money on something more practical. She asked me what, and I showed her a MAPSCO of North Texas area that I'd bought for her and was gonna give her later but seemed this was the perfect time. Well she got real mad. I felt it was a thoughtful, practical gift. She said she didn't want thoughtful and practical. We argued and after awhile I just went home. Next date I brought flowers and that just made her mad again, cuz now she knew I only bought her flowers cuz she told me to and not cuz I thought of it. I said that's cuz I'd never think to buy anybody flowers cuz they die. It's a stupid gift, but you wanted flowers so here they are. So we argued some more and I went home. The relationship didn't last much beyond that.

So I don't buy women flowers anymore. I never shoulda started.

Ask me anything

How many languages do you speak?

One. English. I can't even pull off pig latin. Well, I can speak Spanish with an illusion of confidence, but I don't necessarily understand what I'm reading. I flunked Spanish both in high school & college. I also flunked a class on German. So I can honestly say I'm bilingually illiterate.

Ask me anything

If you could look like anybody, who would it be?

@ElizaDushku cuz I'd never leave my mirror. Failing that, I wanna look like me, but taller, and thinner, without glasses, and perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect everything else, more hair where I should have it, less hair where I shouldn't have it, and I'd smell like Old Spice while riding backwards on a horse.

Ask me anything

Did you used to not be an athiest?

Yes, I used to be a southern Baptist then I was a nondenominational Christian for awhile, cuz Baptists are crazy! Can't dance? OMGWTF? Then I became a SubGenius Christian, then a deist w/SubGenius leanings, and now a full blown atheist but ah STILL BELIEVEZ IN DAH FIGHTIN' JESUS! He's "Bob"s golfing partner. "Y'know Jesus smoked Chesterfields." Says so in the Bible. "He smoked 'em, yet they did not exist two thousand years ago. We must accept this on Faith! There's no logical explanation for it! YA DON'T USE YER MIND TO THINK ABOUT YOUR RELIGION!" Rev Ivan Stang said that. ...I'm sorry what was the question?

Ask me anything

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What was the worst job you've ever had?

Producer for a talk radio show. I went in thinking this is just what I want to do with my life and I left it thinking why would anyone want to do that with their life?

Ask me anything

What are three songs you like that remind you of a particular part of your life (i.e., H.S., first apartment, a job, a summer)?

Annie Benjamin's "Life's Blessings" reminds me of a night when she asked me and some mutual friends to join her on stage and sing the chorus at a Deep Ellum club. I sang off key & was terrible but it was one of the more happy and memorable nights of my life. Courtney Fairchild's "7-9 Central" reminds me of traffic on Central Expressway cuz I liked to play that song over and over while I was stuck in traffic (back when I still had a car). Kristy Kruger's "Singing To The Cakes" reminds me of a time in my life when I lost a job in talk radio and felt lower than low cuz it was like I was never gonna be rich and famous cuz I just don't have what it takes. I admire and respect those who sing to the cakes not because they want to be rich and famous but because it's not about that at all. You do what you do cuz it's who you are and it's what you do and that's beautiful.

Ask me anything

If you could only watch one TV show what would it be?

I'd go buy a new TV cuz this one is obviously broke.

Ask me anything

Who's the sexiest man alive?

Certainly not whatever face People magazine selects for their cover. The sexiest man alive, by definition, would have to be the individual who has had the most sex in the past 24 hours. However, I would imagine that guy's currently unconscious and will wake up with chaffing. Therefore he will quickly lose his title to the guy who has the most sex in the next 24 hours. People magazine will be completely oblivious to these individuals, because truly sexy men do not have to advertise their accomplishments. They're too busy having sex.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite city?

Dallas, but that's only because it's where I currently am, and I don't travel much.

Ask me anything

Who's the most beautiful person you know?

The gal I'm about to ask out on a date seconds before she turns me down.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite genre of music?

I do not have one. I find it's not a genre of music that determines whether or not I'll like it. I like all kinds of music which others define by various genres. I use those as descriptors. Rock. Pop. Soul. Blues. Jazz. Classical. Americana. Folk. I used to think I hated heavy metal, rap, and country. However, there are examples of artists and bands even in those realms that really get my blood pumping. I guess my favorite music is that which defies genre. You can say it's kinda like this and maybe a little some of that. However, the music refuses to be pigeon-holed and crayons outside the lines. That's my favorite genre of music: the ones you can't genre-ize.

Ask me anything

What 3 things do you think will become obsolete in the next ten years?

Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter. That's what I think. Although I hope the three things that will become obsolete in the next ten years are religion, politics, and questions like this, sadly that won't be the case.

Ask me anything

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What is ZachsCast?

What is ZachsCast? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out.

In a nutshell it's an abbreviation for what I've dubbed my new ongoing project: ZachsMind's Intermittent Podcast. I mean, let's face it. I'm all over the web. I'm here, over at YouTube, I tinker on Twitter and Facebook. For the time being, I'm trying to put everything under one umbrella, and that umbrella is named ZachsCast. At least once a week I hope to put something out there for your enjoyment. These are slices of my brain that I'll serve up to you with watermelon, raisins & yogurt. Goes really good with orange juice. I might still come over here every now and then, but at the moment I kinda doubt it. Cuz if I can post something here I can post it there too. So come check out my new home! =)

What will I be talking about? Well pretty much everything I been talking about over here, but instead of just typing, you'll actually hear me talking. Sometimes I'll be talking to myself and sometimes I'll be talking with friends about television, religion, politics, current events, music, movies, the Internet, or just whatever happens to suit my interests at the time. I'm very excited about this new direction and I welcome you to join me as I answer for myself the question What Is ZachsCast anyway?

Thanks for reading, and pretty soon, thanks for listening!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Stealing Third

Once upon a time there was a young man named Jay.

Jay wanted more than anything to get up in front of his little village and tell them jokes. He was not alone in this. Many others before him and since have also wanted to do this. It wasn't that Jay was better than anyone else at this, or that he was worse than anyone. He was about average in his talents actually, but when his big opportunity came and he got up on that stage and he told his little jokes, the owner of that little stage and the leaders of the village told him don't call us we'll call you.

Now when this happened to the many people before Jay and the many people since Jay, the proper response was to leave the stage and either hone their craft and come back better prepared, or give up the dream and look into the fine career of telephone sanitization. However, Jay didn't do either of these things. After he was told he wasn't wanted, Jay lingered in the lobby, and loitered there to do something that wasn't as common at the time but also wasn't original or creative: it's called networking.

Jay would hang out at the lobby and maybe just outside the building where the stage was kept, and he'd talk to people and trade gossip, and he'd remember people's names and let them know he was there. He'd talk to people who came to the stage to tell their jokes and he'd offer empty platitudes and seemingly sincere support. He'd talk to people who just left the stage despondent and with crushed dreams and he'd pat them on the shoulder and he'd share a drink or two. He'd also talk with the people who worked around the stage and get to know them and he wanted everyone to know that if there was anything they needed, anything at all, he was there. Sounds noble doesn't it? Perhaps it is.

And every now and then, usually after doing something for somebody who appeared to have influence with regards to that stage, he'd ask if there was a chance for him to get up on that stage again, and they'd say gee I don't know lemme go ask someone, and Jay would get that someone's name and add that person to the list of people with whom he'd try to network. Eventually he got on that stage again, and even though he wasn't really any better at telling jokes than he was before, by this point most of the people controlling the stage considered him a friend and therefore had no reason to pull him off of it. I may be way off base, but I believe this is what David Letterman means when he says..
"Every day I wake up and I say I'm gonna keep my mouth shut about this NBC Tonight Show thing because honestly folks I don't have a dog in this fight, but here's the deal. I've known Jay Leno for, I don't know, thirty-five years? A long, long time, and we used to buddy around in the old days, and what we're seeing now is kind of Vintage Jay, and it's enjoyable for me to see this. It's like "hey! There he is! There's the guy I know!" And I thought well I better keep my mouth shut because Lord knows I've got my own problems. ..but I just can't help myself!"
So what is Vintage Jay? It's pretending to be everybody's friend when what you're really doing is keeping an eye on that little stage, and figuring out who controls the strings that get a person to stay up on that stage. It's not about being a better comedian. It's not about making people laugh. It's about the game. It's about king of the hill. How many hands do I have to shake and how many babies do I need to kiss so I can get enough people to let me stay on that stage and pretend to be funny?

Did Johnny Carson ever go around shaking hands in the audience just before or after telling jokes? No. Why? Cuz he didn't have to. He had nothing to prove. He was Johnny effing Carson. All he had to do was a golf swing, and he didn't even need to do that. He did that cuz in his mind, that's where he really was. Where's Jay's mind at? "how do I get to stay on that stage tomorrow???" What deal does he have to make with the devils of network television? All he wants is that piece of stage. It doesn't matter what he has to do to get it and it doesn't matter what he has to do to keep it, or who gets screwed in the process. I'm not necessarily knocking that. Actually, in some ways, this is very American, and Jay will be the first to tell you that he's no Johnny Carson, but the difference here between Jay and Johnny is that Johnny could if he wanted do all the shady & selfish things Jay does and more, and you'd thank him for it, cuz he was Johnny effing Carson. Johnny didn't get the job on the Tonight Show by undercutting his competition. Jack Paar quit and NBC needed a replacement. Johnny was simply the best man for the job back in 1962 and he lived that for thirty years. He didn't have to prove anything or hustle. He just was.

What sets Jay apart from the others who have sat behind that desk is simply this. Johnny Carson, Jack Paar, Steve Allen, David Letterman, Bill Cosby, John Rivers, Bob Newhart, and Conan O'Brien know metaphorically how to Steal For Third. A good comedian can stand on that stage and make you think s/he's playing it safe, but peripherally he or she is gonna trick you into thinking as you laugh. A good comedian is daring, unpredictable, unsafe, and with practically every joke takes the risk of getting pulled off that stage cuz s/he went too far. That's the job. That's how it's done. Can't do that? You don't belong on the big stages. You don't belong behind that desk. You belong in the seedy little dives across the country trying to figure out how to do that and a thousand other things that eventually make okay comedians fantastic.

Jay never figured out how to steal for third. However, he does know how to ask for seconds.

That's what he did back in the old days of Vintage Jay when he'd loiter about in the lobby or help out in the back of the comedy club and beg for another five minutes behind the microphone. He didn't care about being the best. He just cared about staying there. That's what he did then. That's what he's doing now. Why did Jay get the job as permanent guest host in the first place, back when Johnny was still alive? It wasn't cuz he was the best. It's because he's the cheapest. He undercut his competitors. Why'd they give Jay the job instead of David Letterman when Carson's seat became available? Cuz Jay was cheaper than Dave. Cuz Jay was safer than Dave. Cuz Jay will do what he's told, while Dave will tell a NBC executive where to stick it, and he'll even offer diagrams on how far up an NBC executive should make it go.

Dave didn't put up with NBCs shit. He went to CBS. Now he owns his own shit. Dave's made fun of CBS now and then cuz it's funny, or cuz he wanted them to know he wanted something, and wasn't afraid to take it out of someone's hide. CBS has learned to let Dave do his thing and everything will be fine. NBC likes to meddle, and Jay let's them do that.

This has backfired on Jay. The reason they're in the situation they are in now is because whenever NBC comes to Jay and tells him they want to manipulate him, he shrugs and goes along with it. We're gonna replace you in five years with Conan. Oh alright. I get to stay on the stage for five years tho right? We're gonna move you to prime time cuz we don't wanna lose you. Oh alright so long as I'm still doing what I've been doing. We're gonna put you back and rip the rug out from under Conan cuz the affiliates want to kill us for being stupid. Oh alright. Conan's not me so I don't care what happens to him but I get to still be on that stage, right? It's all about being on that effing stage for Jay, and it always has been.

What Jay shoulda done five years ago, when NBC said we are gonna tell Conan he can have Jay's seat in five years, Jay shoulda said look I'll just go to FOX right now. Or HBO. or anywhere. Jay shoulda realized that when they said that they were not firing him in five years, they were instead making him aware he was disposable. Johnny Carson would never have tolerated that. Jack Paar didn't tolerate a network that refused to support him and stand behind him. Jack Paar could not only steal third, but he could pick up home plate and walk off with it. NBC censored him, because he would not play it safe, and Paar quit because of their ignorance and fear.

Jay Leno has been given the position as host of the Tonight Show because he is the network's lap dog. He kisses their ass. He plays it safe. He may be an NBC Executive's wet dream, but he is no Carson. He's no Paar. He's no Allen. He's no Letterman. He's no O'Brien.

I don't watch The Tonight Show when Jay is behind that desk, because so far as I'm concerned the tradition of The Tonight Show died w/Johnny Carson. It looked like it might get resurrected because Conan O'Brien does deserve that chair. He's fiendishly clever, outrageous, controversial, daring, sly, and he knows how to make his audience laugh and think at the same time. When NBC lets Jay Leno sit behind that desk after their Olympics, it will for all intents and purposes be the end of the Tonight Show. They may still call it The Tonight Show, but so long as a cowardly and unfunny comic sits behind that desk, there IS no Tonight Show. They can play with the numbers and ratings all they want to prove themselves right, but America needs a comedian behind that desk that knows how to Steal Third. Jay ain't it.

I'm boycotting NBC. My shunning them alone will not be enough, I know. I'm not doing this because I think just me not watching will change their minds or bring down the empire. I just can't personally support a network that behaves in this manner. I left FOX back in 2003 after what they did to Joss Whedon, and only recently came back when they let him and Eliza Dushku do Dollhouse. They gave Whedon a fair shake this time so I got nothing against FOX currently, but NBC did Conan wrong, and by keeping Jay Leno on their air they're doing a disservice to anyone who loves good comedy.

So long as Jay Leno remains behind that desk, I'm boycotting NBC. I hope you do the same.

It's nothing personal Jay, but we mean business. No hard feelings? Good. Now, go stick your head in a toilet and flush.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

From Belief to Knowledge

Here's my (currently) four step plan from belief to knowledge. This is a work in progress and is far from done. I'll improve upon the idea as I figure out what works and what doesn't. That's the whole point of this. Unlike belief structures, a rational thought process can evolve and change at the drop of a hat, as new observations and evidence are presented.

Since abandoning all religion and belief, I've noticed that in little ways my brain is still mired in beliefs and concepts that are based on inadequate data. We all have this. We have made assumptions in our lives based in information we BELIEVE to be correct when objectively speaking it's not known.

For example, many assume there to be a god and assume the bible to have been written by god. Once one determines these to be lies, saying "god bless you" to someone who just sneezed suddenly becomes the most preposterous thing, yet I still catch myself doing that because I've been programmed to behave that way.

So I'm trying to do the following steps whenever I come up against stuff like this. I fear it's gonna be a life long process cuz forty years of habits are very hard to break.

Step one: Convert what you believe into two new categories: What You Know and What You Don't Know.

What does this mean? Well find something you believe, and try to prove it. Can you prove it? If you can, it goes in the KNOW pile. If you can't, it goes in the DON'T KNOW pile.

For example, I can prove there's a place called Paris. I've never been there. I don't plan to go, but I have seen ample evidence from multiple sources that it exists. So for me, for now, Paris goes in the what I know pile.

I can't prove a god exists. I might want there to be one really bad. I might want to believe, but I don't know. Until I know, it has to go in the what I don't know pile.

I can choose to put Paris in the Don't Know pile. I can choose to put god in the Know pile. These are my piles. This is my brain. In fact I can move them around all I want and try to find what works for me. All my life God was in the Know pile. I don't know anymore. So I moved him/her/it to the don't know pile. That's working a lot better for me.

If evidence presents itself that Paris doesn't exist, that maybe all the evidence pointing to its existence has somehow been fabricated, then I can move Paris to the don't know pile.

Step two: Fix all double negatives in What You Know.

I've noticed a lot of believers saying to me that I can't prove god doesn't exist. That's a double negative. I'm seeing similar double negatives in my own thought processes. Whenever I see a double negative, I try to read the statement again as a positive. For example, the phrase "
I can't prove god doesn't exist" has two negatives. If this is a true statement, then saying "I can prove god does exist" should also be true. It's not. So the double negative statement is a fallacy. It's awkward and misleading abuse of the language. It doesn't convey a clear rational thought. In fact, much of modern day religion hides behind language like this.

Oftentimes one false belief is based on another false belief, and once you see them as false, they cross each other out. The Bible is allegedly the word of God. How do we know this? It says it in the bible. How do we know God loves you? The bible tells you God loves you. How do we know there's a God? The bible confirms it. How can we trust the bible? It's the word of god. This circular logic is a house of cards that blows down when you realize there's no god. God doesn't love you. He doesn't hate you. There is no god. The bible is not god's message. It was not written by god. God doesn't exist. The Bible was written by men as a way to prove God's existence. They may have felt the presence of God, but that's no proof.

Step three: Rename What You Don't Know into Not Real Until Proven.

If you don't know something, it's not real.

Many say that until something is proven to not exist, it might, and therefore it's okay to behave as if it did exist. This is wrong. Believing in unicorns on the moon is foolhardy. Maybe they just always stay on the other side of the moon away from the prying observations of mankind. Maybe when we went up there the unicorns were afraid of our astronauts and ran away. There were no unicorn tracks on the ground. We do not see them in telescopes when we look at the moon. There is no evidence of unicorns. Moon unicorn enthusiasts could describe elaborate underground cities inside the moon where the unicorns flourish. It would be an endearing and adorable myth, but myths are fiction. They are not true.

We have never seen, felt, heard, tasted, or smelled god. Some could argue that god is all around us. He is in all living things. He's in nonliving things. He's in rocks and trees. God is in black holes and grasshoppers. He's what keeps all atoms together. He's all this poetic mumbo jumbo. God is whatever we haven't discovered yet.

God used to be in the sky, in the Heavens, because Man hadn't figured out how to see past clouds yet. Then we learned Flight, and visited the clouds, and found out they were just water vapor. So that's when god "moved." Religious people were like that's just an interpretation. It's figurative. It shouldn't be taken literally. So they moved god. This is convenient for them, because it means their god is always one step ahead of science. Science will never be able to know absolutely everything, so there'll always be some place for a god to hide from his believers.

However, by now, if a god existed, we would have found traces of his existence. Dinosaurs are no more. Some theorize that they evolved into birds or reptiles or something else. Whatever. Dinosaurs are no more today. Yet there is evidence of their existence that can be found in the fossil record of this planet. Historical Geology reveals a great deal more compelling evidence to the past of this planet than the bible. Yet people would rather believe in the bible than their own eyes. There's no mention of dinosaurs in the bible, because all dinosaurs became extinct prior to the writing of the Bible. If god were omniscient, and he were telling mankind the truth in "his word" he would have mentioned them. He did not. Why are dinosaurs absent from the bible? Because the liars who wrote the bible were oblivious to their existence.

God is not the Unknown. We make the unknown a god so that we feel better on the surface. God didn't make us in his image. We made up god in our own, because it's difficult for us to believe that this universe was made by a platypus. That would mean the platypus is the center of the universe and humanity can't accept that.

We must assume something doesn't exist until we find evidence that it does. I may have cancer right now. I haven't gone to see a doctor. I feel fine. However, there are people who have in the past felt fine and through some accident or during a routine checkup they learn that they have cancer. Should I behave as if I were dying of cancer on the off chance that a malignant tumor might exist somewhere in my body? Or should I live my life as if there were no cancer, until there's ample and obvious proof to the contrary?

If you don't know something, don't pretend you do.

Step four: Wash, rinse, repeat.

This is an ongoing process. I don't think it ever really ends. There will be beliefs you put in one pile and later discover belonged in the other. It's a procedure I have been doing for months and see no end in sight. Good luck with it. I hope you find rational enlightenment. It may not save your soul or lead you to meditating in a Tibetan temple or get you laid, but at least you'll be able to think for yourself and not have some other people telling you to follow their god so they can manipulate and control your thoughts and actions.

Have a fulfilling and godless day.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Fumin' Hume & Whacky Woods

Tiger Woods will recover as a golfer. Whether he can recover as a person, I think is a very open question, and it’s a tragic situation with him. He’s lost his family, it’s not clear to me whether he’ll be able to have a relationship with his children, but the Tiger Woods that emerges once the news value dies out of this scandal, the extgent to which he can recover, it seems to me, depends on his faith. He’s said to be a Buddhist, I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith, so my message to Tiger would be “Tiger, turn to the Christian faith, and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.
- Brit Hume, Faux News commentator and news maker upper
Brit Hume wants Tiger Woods to convert to Catholicism from Buddhism so that Tiger can ask a god he does not currently believe in for forgiveness of a sin that Buddhists really don't take all that seriously. I mean we're talking about consenting adults here. Granted, Tiger having sex outside of marriage may mess up his wife's spiritual awareness, but that's only if she's Buddhist too.
In the Buddhist tradition, under the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path, one should neither be attached to nor crave sensual pleasure. The third of the Five Precepts is "To refrain from sexual misconduct." For most Buddhist laypeople, sex outside of marriage is not "sexual misconduct," especially when compared to, say, adultery or any sexual activity which can bring suffering to another human being. Each may need to consider whether, for them, sexual contact is a distraction or means of avoidance of their own spiritual practice or development.
- The New World Encyclopedia
Okay, so, maybe Buddhism does take adultery more seriously than just your occasional casual one night stand among unmarried people. Anyway, Brit Hume was talking out his asshole. He doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism and was making blatant assumptions without having any facts. This right here is precisely why Faux News is about as dependable as a chair with no seat.

I don't even know if we're all 100% certain what Tiger actually believes anyway. I can't take Brit Hume on his word about anything. He makes up news all the time! That's why Faux hired him in the first place, to make shit up. My point is, why would Tiger Woods abandon his current faith (Buddhism or whatever) for one that would just make him feel worse about himself?

I think Brit Hume should abandon Christianity. It's a blatant load of lies and dogma that's outdated by millenia. Brit Hume and Tiger Woods should embrace the only religion that's really worth a damn: I speak of course of The Church of the SubGenius. Praise "Bob." Hail Eris. Sagan will set you free! EIYIYIYIYIYIYIY!

Brit Hume feels if Tiger Woods turns to Catholicism, he'll set an example to the rest of the world as a great reformed adulterer, just like all the other famous adulterers like David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Jack Kennedy, Gary Hart, Senator John Edwards, OJ Simpson's dead ex-wife, etc. Christianity is full of great adulterers! Hell, Lot fucked his daughters in his sleep after turning his wife into salt. Well I guess technically since his wife just died that wasn't really adultery, but you get my drift. There's fucking going on all over the Bible if you know where to look! Song of Solomon is a particular favorite of mine with breasts running about like gazelles! Anyway, I digress. I wonder if Brit Hume is an adulterer? I guess that's between him and his god, and his wife, and his ex-wife, and his mistress, and the media. I bet Brit Hume thinks the Dalai Llama should convert to Christianity just in case he's an adulterer too.

Tiger should not convert to Catholicism, because Christianity may absolve him of past sins, but then it pretends to expect you to sin no more while simultaneously it knows you're gonna. You can't help it. Why? Cuz you're a sinner! So it's an endless cycle. You commit sin, you feel bad about it, you ask for repentance, you feel bad cuz now you can't do whatever it is you did before so you go do that again and now you feel bad cuz you did that so you ask for forgiveness and now you feel bad again cuz let's face it religions have you by the short and curlies. Religion tells you not to do anything that's worth doing. Where's the fun in that? What Tiger Woods needs is a religion that will not only absolve him of sin, but will give him The Grand Excuse. Tiger needs a religion that will allow him to go forth and sin some more! There IS a simple answer, dear friend! A glowing beacon of slack for anyone who's pink of heart and green of the pocketbook.

Something I've learned in my recent transition from devout Christian to devout atheist, throughout this horrendous ordeal in which I traded in my illusion of something for an actual nothing, my faith in J. R. "Bob" Dobbs has remained constant and steadfast. I got in on the ground floor of that up & coming religion back in 1985, when it only cost twenty bucks to get right with "Bob." Today, a lifetime membership costs thirty bucks and it's still quite a bargain. It's guaranteed or triple your money back! You do the math!

Brit Hume has accused Tiger Woods of being a buddhist and thinks of himself as a Christian, but this could not be further from the truth. Contrary to the beliefs of both Hume and Woods, and everyone else on the face of this planet, they are all SubGeniuses. Let me explain.

In Christianity, "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." It was explained to me in Sunday School thusly: You are born a sinner. Just as kangaroos give birth to kangaroos and horses give birth to horses and penguins give birth to beavers, so too do humans only give birth to humans, and thanks to stupid Adam & stupid Eve eating a stupid apple from the stupid Tree Of Stupid Knowledge, all humans are also sinners. And they're stupid. P. T. Barnum once said "there's a sucker born any minute," and it takes one to know one. And since the act of sex is a sin according to Christianity, your very conception was an act of evil! So we're screwed before we even slide down the canal. God stacked the deck against us. Provided you believe in a god.

However, in the doctrine of the SubGenius Church, all are born with Original Slack but we all have it stolen away by The Conspiracy at birth, when the obstetrician spanks us on the butt to make us breathe and cry and piss in his face.

In Christianity, the Word of God must be 'interpreted' by religious scholars, church deacons, televangelists, or crazy people on street corners, so that one can glean the Divine Meaning and understand what God is trying to tell you, cuz apparently He's misplaced your cell number.

In the SubGenius faith, anything that comes out of the mouth of any ordained minister immediately becomes gospel. Even, and especially, if it contradicts with previous gospel by other SubGenius ministers.

So I tell you here and now, as a dues paid (tho not card carrying cuz I accidentally put it through the wash cycle one day and Stang didn't laminate mine) SubGenius ordained minister, every living creature on this planet is SubGenius! Recent discoveries in unlocking the human genome reveal that over half our DNA mirrors that of everything from aphids to zucchini. This means the Yeti gene is dormant inside every living thing. If you don't believe me, well your beliefs are pretty whacky too so nyah!

Now, Brit Hume recently told Tiger Woods to abandon the buddha in favor of a zombie that's been bolted to a tree for two thousand years. I say both of these men need to accept their true Yeti ancestry and get right with "Bob." The only way to do that is to send thirty dollars to the Church of the SubGenius. That goes for you as well! And penguins and beavers and lichen and pretty much anything with DNA! ..and thirty dollars! Bring your credit card, cuz you'll also wanna get a cool T-shirt and some DVDs that'll cause your head to explode with delight.

Now, for the record when you click on that link I do not get ANY of the money. I should but I don't. Okay, I really shouldn't, but my point is I don't say this as some kinda get rich quick scheme. Like Brit Hume, I sincerely believe I'm doing a fellow human being a favor by offering this advice and like Brit Hume I'm also full of shit. But we're ALL full of shit! We are all shitful and have fallen short of the glory that is Slack! Or, words to that effect.

Praise "Bob!"

Let there be Slack!

Hyuh! Hep me sumbody!

She ain't got no legs my legs are on fire how can ya run from yer own legs!?

There's something inside your head!

Are we not men?

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

"Bob"

IS

"Bob"!