Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Reasons Why My Girlfriend Thinks I'm Gay

  1. I don't enjoy sports.
  2. When I was a kid, I had a sissy bar on the back of my bicycle. Bullies used to pull on it and throw me off my bike.
  3. I'm not interested in cars. I can't even fix them. I can barely fix a flat tire.
  4. I'm not any good with tools.
  5. I play with dolls. I call them puppets but she calls them dolls.
  6. I'm homophobic, which she says is an obvious give-away.
  7. I used to be into theater back in college, and still have a very strong interest in most things theatrical. This is apparently an area that has been usurped by the homosexual community, so my interest in it automatically makes her think I'm gay.
  8. I like show tunes. Notably anything from A Chorus Line, Cats, Fiddler On The Roof, Grease, Spamalot, West Side Story, Avenue Q, Wicked, and Chess' One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head. However, I draw the line at Rent.
  9. I enjoy the music of Mandy Patinkin, Brent Spiner, Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, and Billy Joel, but I draw the line at Boy George.
  10. I enjoy the music of Bernadette Peters, Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, and Cher, but I draw the line at Celine Dion.
  11. Women I tend to be attracted to are invariably semi-butch lesbians. Famous examples include Laurie Anderson, Janeane Garofalo, Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Ethridge, Sara Gilbert, Janis Joplin, Lucy Liu, Michelle Rodriguez, Jamie Lee Curtis, and The Indigo Girls. However, I draw the line at Margaret Cho.. just this side of Margaret Cho. I mean I think she's hot but anyone beyond her is too much.
  12. I'm self-conscious about the idea of watching Brokeback Mountain, but I have no problem watching Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire dance together.
  13. Not that I am gay, but I would rather tell my mom I'm gay, then tell her I'm an atheist.
  14. I haven't had sex with anyone of any gender since the summer before Nine Eleven, and I'm very okay with this.
  15. My girlfriend is located in Kentucky and I am not, and I am very okay with this.
  16. My girlfriend is dating another man and I am not, and I am very okay with this.
  17. I have no problem at crying. I don't cry often, but if it happens I welcome it. As I get older, my eyes tend to dry up anyway, so I think it's therapeutic and healthy to cry whenever possible. Saves me money on Visine.
  18. I have to qualify whether or not its okay to cry by writing an entire paragraph about it.
  19. Objectively I'm aware that it's wrong to think being gay is wrong, but due to a southern Baptist upbringing and a lifetime of heterosexual presumptions, gay men creep me the hell out. I do enjoy the company of lesbians, but I'm painfully aware it's mostly because I want to fuck them. All this makes my girlfriend think I'm gay.
  20. Also, I think this list is FAB-ulous!


Anonymous said...

after reading your list if reasons i couldnt be convinced that your gay as non of the gay guys i know do anything thats on your list,

ZachsMind said...

Awesome! Thanks Darla's Lil Girl! That means I must still be straight. I'll go tell my girlfriend. Won't she be surprised!

alfa said...

I think u r right mate..
Ur gross inability to be funny is the most striking feature of your blog.

Ur attempts at being funny are sad, and shamelessly give off that u r trying too hard.

Just the truth..
Face it :-/

ZachsMind said...

Hey Alfa, so what's your point?