Monday, May 4, 2009

Carrot Top is NOT the Worst Comedian

Originally this was just a Digg reply that I knew would get immediately buried, so I wanted to preserve it here for posterity's sake. Someday they'll paint this on the walls of the Sistine Chapel, I promise you.

We all know that Carrot Top is incapable of making jokes."

This flagrant dismissal of Carrot Top upsets me to no end. There's no forethought. No research is placed into this. Someone at one time jokingly referred to Carrot Top as the worst comedian ever and everyone just fell in line like sheep. If one were to study the history and science of humor as I have, one would come to understand that Carrot Top is not the worst. Far from it. In fact he's the benchmark.

I have learned over time to appreciate the work of Carrot Top. His is an acquired taste to be sure. It's not unlike learning how to eat the kinda stuff they'd made people eat on Fear Factor for fifty thousand dollars. Someday I hope to win a bar bet that I'll be able to survive a Carrot Top joke without internal hemorrhaging.

There are comedians worse than Carrot Top. Kevin Meany for example. Pauly Shore. Andy Dick. Joan Rivers. Sinbad. Anyone who can only get a job doing motivational speeches or drunk driving instruction and still insist they're comedians. Anyone who claims to be solely a "clean comedian" in so much as refusing to 'go blue' and use profanity or mature themes even if the comedy requires it. Such lowlifes offend me.

There are literally tens of thousands of people, of whom you will never hear, who are far worse than Carrot Top. In fact Carrot Top can be used not as the worst comedian ever, but as the baseline average. All other comedians may be compared to Carrot Top. On a scale of one through ten, he is merely a five. So yes. comedy is far worse than you could possibly have imagined before now.

For example, when I attempt to be funny in front of a group of people, compared to Carrot Top, I'm pi. This is why you will probably never see me get in front of a group of people. Anyone at or below pi should never tell a joke. This is to ensure the sanctity of the human race. They should relegate themselves to message boards and prank calls to infomercials.

Wesley Willis was a 4: better than me, and he never even knew he was a stand up comedian. He never tried! He was too busy singing! Imagine how great he would have been had he tried!

Arguably, tho I personally adore her, Janeane Garofalo is not particularly good at traditional stand up comedy. She's more of a political and cultural commentator on whatever she scribbles into her datebook fifteen minutes before her performance. Hers is also an acquired taste, and not for the squeamish or easily distracted. Granted, when she's at her best, Garofalo is on par with Mark Twain and Will Rogers (at their drunken worst) but that doesn't make her a great comic.

So for comparison, Carrot Top can generate more laughs (and groans) than Garofalo per attempt at humor, but Garofalo does make you think, whereas Carrot Top makes you want to blow your brains out. Sometimes Garofalo makes you think and then want to blow your brains out. So they may be equally as bad, but there's still artists far worse.

In conclusion, please remember not to diss Carrot Top so dismissively. Doing so does a disservice to all the sixes and sevens out there, who really aren't all that bad.

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