What? Am I obsessing? Is this stalking? I never can tell. I'm trying to get through all of Kevin Pollak's Chat Show shows before he makes people pay to see them
It's the summer. Lost won't be back until next year. Heroes won't be back until this fall, and I don't know if I'll be following it next season cuz damn it's jumped the shark a few times hasn't it? True Blood hasn't started yet. Dollhouse is coming back this fall but Miracle Laurie won't return my tweets cuz let's face it, I'm a little creepy. But not quite as creepy as Larry King, which is a segue I believe into today's ramble.
THE LARRY KING GAME
First off, thanks to Jamie Fox who (as Kevin tells it) basically invented this game for Kevin and he's running with it cuz it's crazy ass fun. As Kevin Pollak has said repeatedly on his show, Larry King the man is a walking fossil. It's only a matter of time before something in Larry King's brain short-circuits, and he says something on the air that his own shrink shouldn't ever know, and about which all his ex-wives are still in therapy. It's comin'. Meanwhile we can pass the time by sharing one another what we think it's gonna be like when Larry King finally goes senile on the air and refers to the guy behind the camera as his momma.
Here's the rules to The Larry King Game:
- You must do a bad Larry King impression. It's no fair if you can actually do a good Larry King impression cuz it ruins it for the rest of us. Try to suck at it as hard as you can. That way we all can participate.
- Reveal something about yourself as Larry King on the air that no one should really know because lets' face it he's 107.
- Then go to the phones and it helps if the name of the city is funny.
Now what follows are my notes. I was thinking of doing this. I haven't done it yet. My reasons/excuses include the following:
- I can't find a pair of suspenders and even though I wanna do a bad Larry King impression, I can't even call my impression of Larry King good enough to classify as bad, so I need the suspenders so people will notice I'm doing Larry King and not the voice of my Troll puppet - cuz essentially it's the same voice. NOT MY FAULT. I drove around today looking for suspenders and stores don't carry them. I think Larry has his imported from the 19th century.
- My video camera is a piece of shit. I bought it at a Fry's Electronics and I think it had been returned at least once before so it was on discount on top of on sale, and I can't afford to get something better. Kevin Pollak threatens to beat up his NASA crew whenever the videos they play get a little choppy on his show, so if I submitted something with my current set up, Pollak would drive to Dallas from Santa Monica for the sole reason of spitting on me and throwing his hat in my face.
- I have a lot of material. I don't mean to say that as if I'm boasting. I'm not. I came up with a number of possible ideas for the Larry King game, but which combination of things I should do or say, I'm not all that clear about yet. I've written a lot of them. I can't possibly use them all, and can't decide which bit's the best one, or if any of them are funny. I have a sinking suspicion none of them are, which brings me to my next bit.
HERE'S THE BREAKDOWN...
What follows are bits and pieces that theoretically can be put together in any random order and you'll have yourself an
- Hi, I'm Larry King.
- This is Larry King.
- You're watching The Larry King Show, and I'm your host.. Larry King.
- Welcome back from the break we were just talking about ecodisaster and Paris Hilton's latest sexual drug-crazed escapades and how they may be related.
- Before we get to our next guest, Milktoast Jesse Ventura...
- (or don't introduce yourself. He doesn't always do that)
This Is Larry King...
- ...if he didn't know where to buy suspenders.
- ...if he didn't talk like he'd swallowed a frog.
- ...if he didn't get laid all the time.
- ...if he weren't jewish.
- ...if he had a few less ex-wives.
- ...if he had a vagina van dyke piece of crap beard around his mouth.
- ...if he were fifty pounds heavier. (OK 100! I'm telling you! It's the camera!)
- Ginkgo Biloba is a sham. It's modern day snake oil and I have made hundreds of thousands of dollars off the sheer utter stupidity of my audience, but I'm totally confident that this microphone isn't on and we're still at commercial, and you didn't just hear me say that.
- I got one word for you. It's not even just a word. It's a name. Charo... I know you know what I know you mean.
- I look at the USA Today Crossword Puzzle solely to see if my name is used as an answer. Five down five letters Blank King Show starts with an L. I never appear anymore. Tim Parker is a boogerhead.
- I go down the stairs alone or in pairs.
- I think Kate can do better than Jack.
- Sex and the City was great until that Mannequin chick got old and had cancer. What a buzzkill.
- Jon Stewart scares the ever lovin' crap outta me. He's singlehandedly taken down Crossfire! What hope have I got? I'm never booking him again. Unless he really wants me to. *gulp!*
- My suspenders will self-destruct in five seconds. (stare into camera silent for five seconds) Fooled you!
- I'm having another heart attack right this very moment but I've taken so much viagra, you can't tell. I can though. It hurts.
- If it weren't for me there would be no CNN. There. I said it. You may kiss my ring.
- Ashton Kutcher is a punk!
- I'm driving under the influence of NASCAR!
- You are the pope of all you survey. Please melt the davenport for autumn when albacore is in season. Genuflect me. I am allergic to melting timepieces.
- On Thanksgiving I like to go down to the Macy's Parade and blow up the balloons.. because I'm full of hot air.
- Thank God that The Golden Girls live on forever in reruns. Hey! How come my show isn't in syndication anywhere? I wanna live on forever.
- I hate you. I hate all of you. I don't know why you pobuckers even watch my show because I despise every single one of your beady eyes lookin' at me every night. The only reason why I still do this show is for my ego which cannot be satiated, and also so I can afford all the divorce settlements.
- Why the hell did they cancel My Name Is Earl? I was watching that!
- I'm hot for teacher.
- When you lie about your age, the terrorists win. (ed note: he actually said this on his show)
- Jerry Springer is a saint!
- Benjamin Sisko was the greatest Star Trek captain of all time. Scott Bakula runs a close second.
- I think Kate can do better than Jon, but she'll have to dump the other eight, cuz no other man's gonna have her now. She's ruined if she leaves him. What's she thinking?
- My underwear is itchy.
- Bald Britney Spears made me reach for my viagra. She was hot!
- I found out what happened to all the virginities women have lost since the Dawn of Man - they're behind Neil Diamond's couch.
- I've been silently passing gas nonstop since 1967.
- I lost my virginity at the age of thirteen to a vacuum cleaner.. got it back though.
- When I want fast relief, I reach for a broom handle.
- I think Kate can do better than Petruchio.
- Chuck Norris can kiss my ass! He can't do all that stuff!
- I say nuke'em from orbit! Make'em glass! Let's kill the bastards!
- Cow dung tastes great with tobasco sauce. Everything tastes great with tobasco sauce.
- Rachel Maddows shifts my nads into third.
- Neil Patrick Harris shifts my nads into third.
- A stiff breeze shifts my nads into third.
- Marijuana is the greatest thing on the planet I've had since my second ex-wife's left breast in my mouth.
- I have to have golden showers explained to me. Daily. Just cuz.
- My shit don't stink. If my shit did stink, it'd smell like lilacs.
- ..I once fucked a hippopatamus. Why? Cuz I'm fucking Larry King that's why. And I got a big dick! Kevin Pollak is jealous of my big dick! My dick is tan and leathery, multi-purposed and as versatile as a set of expensive luggage. Women love to pack my big fat dick!
- ..when at the publid urinal I like to turn and 'accidentally' pee on the shoes of strangers. Why? Cuz I'm Larry King, I'm older than you, and I can get away with it. What you gonna do?
- I fucked Pia Zadora. I had her right on this desk. Would you believe she once went to charm school? Me either.
- My nipples are rock hard right now in anticipation of our next guest, and I've spooged in my corduroys. I wouldn't lie to you.
Blatantly Stolen Revelations
- I'm on top of the world looking down on creation, and the only explanation I can find is the love that I found ever since you been around. Your love's put me at the top of the world.
- I'm afraid of Virginia Wolff
- I'd like to say I miss all of my ex-wives. I really miss them a lot. I'd take a good swing, but I'd still miss them. They always seem to duck out the way just in time. (Bob Nelson Falls, Idaho-- hello!)
- Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
- Do you ever watch films about gladiators?
- If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- I am no longer infected.
- I'm a little teapot short and stout. This is my handle. This is my spout.
- I'm Larry King and you're not. Our top story tonight. Julio Francisco Franco is still dead. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Chevy Chase Maryland, you're on!)
- I'm Larry King, but you can call me Ishmael.
- Soylent green is made of people. Green people.
Silly City Name, Random State
- WallaWalla, Washington
- Battle Creek, Michigan
- Kansas City, Missouri
- Salem, Massachusets,
- Waco, Texas
- Albatross, Mississippi
- Hoobastank, Oklahoma
- Peonmia, Illinois
- Whoozyerdaddy, Delaware
- Ollie Ollie Oxen Free, Pennsylvania
- Saint Cherdadeeztalkshow, Arizona
- Barcolounger, South Carolina
- rideUPmycrotch, Kentucky
- iwaswunDERingwhenYEWdask, Alaska
- Yersoakinginit, Montana
- Winnipeg, Canada
- Nairobi, Kenya
- Rio de Janero, Brazil
- Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
- Antares Nebula
- Fourth Star On The Right And Straight On Till Morning
- Europa, Jupiter
Go to the Phones
- What's your question?
- You're on!
- How's it going?
- What's your dysfunction?
- Whaddaya want?
- How's it hanging?
- You owe me five bucks.
- Say something.
- I'm not gonna live much longer and you're killin' me with your silence.
- My car is double parked.
- Quit stalking me.
- Let's go to the phones!
- I'm incontinent!
And the winner is..!
This is Larry King, if he were fifty pounds heavier, and a gentile, and had less ex-wives. Welcome back from the break! We were just talking about whether or not it does grow back. I have to have golden showers explained to me. Daily. Just cuz. Europa, Jupiter. What's your question?