Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Married And Divorced Janeane Garofalo

My reputation for stupidity precedes me. I don't know if this is actual irony or just the kind of irony that Alanis Morrissette sings about, but I wrote the following not five days ago. It's now the following Thursday, and I just happened upon my ex-wife on Facebook. So there is an outside chance she will eventually read this. I say 'outside chance' in that it's better than the odds of my winning the lottery, but not by much. I just apologized to her for having been an asshat several years ago. She doesn't seem to remember it. I should probably delete this entry, considering it's more recent evidence of my asshattery. However, I'm too much of an idiot to clean up my blog anticipating possible company. Besides, she knows how much I used to adore Janeane Garofalo. Hopefully she'll take it as a backhanded compliment.

There was a time when I was so hot for Janeane Garofalo and woulda done anything to breathe her air. She was my dream girl. When other guys in high school and college were drooling over Cindy Crawford or Uma Thurman or Elle MacPherson, I was starry-eyed for Janeane Garofalo.

Then I dated. Then I got married. Then I got divorced. Then I just stopped trying to get girls to like me at all. Many years have gone by and I have stopped trying. Every rare now and again a woman throws herself at me, but I stopped throwing myself at them. Women suck at catching you if you throw yourself at them. I gave up. If it happens it happens and if it don't it don't. More often than not, even if she's interested, it don't work anymore cuz I suck at catching too.

Janeane Garofalo's got fibromyalgia? My ex-wife had fibromyalgia. She's addicted to pain pills? My ex was poppin' pills. Janeane's an alcoholic? Garofalo is playing w/computers & doesn't know what the hell she's talking about? Garofalo & my ex-wife could be frickin sisters.

Thank God Janeane Garofalo would never give me the time of day. Feels like I dodged a bullet. In hindsight, when my ex-wife asked me to marry her, I shoulda told her no, then suggested she go find Janeane Garofalo. Woulda saved me a decade of heartache. Those two were made for each other. The sad thing is, it's a decade later and I'm still talking about my ex-wife. That's just sad.

And lying about her too, cuz let's be fair. She knew at least as much about computers as I do. She's not an alcoholic. It's just that in the third paragraph above, it wasn't as funny that my ex-wife and Janeane Garofalo only have two things in common. So I had to add a couple. Three's the magic number in comedy, but I went for four cuz I never know when to just go for three. I had to elaborate a little bit. Stretch the truth. Bill Cosby would do it when he went for the funny. There's no harm in it. Janeane Garofalo would appreciate that as a comedienne if she ever read this. She's not going to ever read this. I'm just pointing out that I got down the mechanics of comedy even if I'm not actually funny.

My ex-wife's never gonna see this. She hasn't spoken to me in years. As far as she's concerned, I'm dead, and she's probably better off pretending that. I don't know why I should give a shit if she found out I was out and out lying about who she was and whether or not she was just like Janeane Garofalo.

Now the two of them have a lot of boring things in common that just didn't make sense in the third paragraph cuz these aren't funny. They both have dark hair. My ex would pretend to be a redhead but it came out of a bottle. She was really a brunette just like Janeane Garofalo, who pretended to be a bleach blonde for awhile, probably for the same stupid vain reasons. They both have brown eyes. They both think they're fat when they're really not. They're both petite. They both have tattoos. They both like dogs. They're both funny ...occasionally. From a physical perspective they both turn me on. From an intellectual perspective they both turn me on. From an emotional and psychological perspective they both scare the mother fucking shit out of me. My ex-wife was pagan while Janeane Garofalo is an atheist, but nobody's perfect.

For all intents and purposes, I married Janeane Garofalo. Then Janeane Garofalo divorced me.

I didn't realize it when I was married. I just figured it out just now. Had I KNOWN when I was married that for all intents and purposes the woman I was married to was as Janeane Garofalo-ey as I was ever gonna get, maybe I woulda tried harder to not let her divorce me.. Nah. We were driving each other crazy.

I think if fate had ever allowed me to meet Janeane Garofalo for real, and ask Janeane Garofalo on a date, and she said yes (which would have happened before I got struck by lightning three times but right after I won the Powerball without ever having bought a ticket) we would have driven each other crazy, and Janeane Garofalo would hate me and never speak to me again. But Janeane Garofalo will never speak to me now, so the same effect has occurred without my having to be bogged down by the cause or the consequences.

I mean, Janeane Garofalo doesn't know me, so she doesn't hate me. But if she did know me, I guarantee you, she'd hate me. There are some certainties in the universe that are unmistakable. The way things are now, I'll never meet Janeane Garofalo. I'll never speak to her. She'll never get to know me. She'll never hate me. That's pretty awesome, if you stop to think about it. I avoided a lot of pain, and got the same result.

Of course sexually she would have rocked my world, and I would have left her disappointed. I'm never going to find that out for sure, but let's just assume the best possible scenario, and then look at harsh reality.

I'm gonna die miserable and alone, but at least I won't die with a high maintenence woman screaming at me until I have a coronary because I forgot to take Buttons and Marmaduke out for walkies again, and why the hell while I was out didn't I refill her prescription of vicadoodles?

All things being equal, I came out ahead.

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