Why I Hate Tom Cruise

Why I Hate Tom Cruise

Okay I broke down and bought the Cocktail DVD today, in preparation for Mike's riff on it (scheduled to be available on the 30th of August). I promised myself I wouldn't spend more than $7.50, and I found a copy for $7.99. I just hope Mike is pleased that one of his fans has had to go back on his word to himself and actually watch a Tom Cruise film again.

I can't stand Tom Cruise. And it's not because of his more recent insanity with the press. It's not because he told Brooke Shields she was a dip. It's not because he has this Scientology thing going, although that doesn't help. It's not because he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch. In fact, that was the closest thing to acting I've ever seen him do and I was impressed. He was pretending to be head over heels in love with a girl. That was precious. Not quite method acting. Seemed he was going on what he'd been told other people have done. He deserved an emmy that day. And I don't hate the man. I'm sure he must be fun to talk to over drinks or something. Nice guy I'm sure. I just can't stand him as an actor and I don't believe he deserves any of the attention he's ever gotten as an actor and I hope his fifteen minutes of fame end not with a bang but a quiet whimper, and the sooner the better. I want him to get out of my face.

So why do I hate Tom Cruise as an actor? Let's go through the film career of this stalwart soul that you people hold so dear to your heart of hearts.

Endless Love: I don't believe I ever saw it. The song by Ross & Richie was more than enough for me and one couldn't turn on the radio without hearing that over and over again back in 1981, but you can't fault Cruise for that.

Taps: That I did see. It's one of the reasons why I hate military films. I can't for a nanosecond believe any of these pretty boys spent a week in boot camp much less actually attended a military school. Cruise was about as believable in this as he woulda been playing a pastrami and rye in a supermarket delicatessen.

Losin' It: Tom Cruise attempting humor. That's a laugh. Not really. Okay to be honest I've never seen this film, I have no intention of seeing this film, I shouldn't have an opinion about this film, nor do I want one.

Risky Business: Now here Tom was actually tolerable, although to be fair, everyone around him was far more interesting but for this film that's what was needed. Tom played the 'everyman' boy who was coming of age and all that balderdash. Rebecca De Mornay is the real reason to see this film. Woof. All Tom had to do throughout was either pretend he was enjoying himself, or pretend he was suprised at something. You watch this film and you realize that all Matt LeBlanc was doing for ten years in the tv series Friends was pretending to be Tom Cruise. Fart smell acting. That's what Tom's doing here. Say a line and then pretend to smell a fart.

All The Right Moves: It's a football film. Therefore, I didn't see it. I have no opinion of it.

Legend: This film works for me again because of everyone around Tom. Mia Sara, Woof. Tim Curry, awesome. Billy Barty, Robert Picardo, Annabelle Lanyon, you just can't go wrong with this cast. All Tom had to do was hit his mark and a look cool in a suit of armor. Which he didn't. Cuz he's five foot seven. So a lot of what you see is very creative cinematography. You think they fuzzied up shots and threw in glows and other lighting tricks just cuz it was a fantasy? Tom doesn't even look the part. How he got the part? Only L.Ron knows.

Top Gun: This was the break film for me. From here on out I became an anti-fan of Tom Cruise. He was tolerable up until now but in this film he was playing a guy we're supposed to hate and love at the same time and all he couldn't get either right. Do you honestly believe he's a guy who could buzz the tower of an aircraft carrier and then just smile at his superior officer and get away with it? You can call a guy a maverick all you want but if he doesn't even know what one is he can't pretend to be one. He can't act. He can say lines, and hit marks, and look pretty while doing it. That's not acting. That's not remotely believable. I also hate this film cuz Anthony Edwards WAS acting and doing very well and then they kill him off leaving us with godawful Cruise for the rest of the picture. I told myself I'd never watch another Tom Cruise movie as long as I lived, but then...

The Color of Money: I loved the film "The Hustler." Paul Newman is a living legend, condiment hawking aside. He was great in this. I thought surely I could put up with Cruise if a giant like Newman is supporting him, and maybe the kid would learn a few things from one of the greatest Hollywood talents the world has ever known. I left the theater feeling like I'd just had a tooth pulled.

Young Guns: It's a western. With a short list of exceptions, I don't like westerns. I have no opinion of this one.

Rain Man: Again, surely a man like Dustin Hoffman, who is yet another great living legend of an actor, surely with Dustin Hoffman standing beside him, Tom Cruise wouldn't look half bad. The result of this film was Hoffman stole the show and Cruise looked like a grip they just threw in front of the camera at the last second to hit the marks while Hoffman literally held up the film both for himself and his doofus of a supporting partner. Cruise has no concept of what it takes to be an ensemble player. He's completely worthless on the screen.

Born On the Fourth of July: I have friends who were extras in this film. Parts of it were filmed right here in Dallas Texas. Despite that, I've never seen this film on the soul reason that it has Tom Cruise in it. Therefore I have no opinion of this film, nor do I want one.

Days of Thunder: I have never seen this film, nor do I want to. I have no opinion.

Far And Away: Ditto

A Few Good Men: SURELY! You got THE Jack Nicholson on board! You got Demi Moore. Kevin Bacon. Kevin Pollack. Christopher Guest is on tap! Kiefer Sutherland! For crying out loud you can't screw this up! How can Tom Cruise screw up this movie? Somehow, for me, he did. Again, I can't believe he spent a heartbeat in the military. It's like watching John Goodman pretend to be a vegetarian. I don't buy it. I don't like military films and I don't like courtroom dramas and yet one day I found myself in a situation where the movie was on TV and I had nothing else to do. I gave it a try. Cruise ruined this film for me. I could almost believe everyone else but Cruise on the screen just completely ruins any chance for me to suspend disbelief. His face has a way of reflecting the camera. He's 'on' all the time. He's faking it. It's not acting. It's not even performing. He hits his mark and he says his line. Sometimes with defiance. Sometimes with sardonic wit. It's all like pantomime. It's all calculated. He's like a programmed robot, not a person. I've to see him feel anything on screen. God this movie sucked, and it really didn't have to. It had no excuse with as much talent and money as was behind it, it should have been better.

The Firm: Refuse to watch it on the sole reason it's a Tom Cruise film. I have no opinion nor do I want one.

Interview with a Vampire: I have seen parts of this film, mostly by accident. I want to see it because I enjoy the genre, but can't get past the casting. Cruise and Pitt. What I have seen looks pretty, but these two guys in those roles just throws me out of it. I can't enjoy it. And I had wished they'd made this film a few years earlier and gave Sting the role. He woulda done better than Cruise.

Mission Impossible: Ugh. Yes I've seen this one. It's great eye candy. It's a fun roller coaster. It's not Mission Impossible any more than Drew Barrymore's attempts at Charlie's Angels is actually Charlie's Angels. In Drew Barrymore's situation though I like it. I like what she did with the franchise. Mission Impossible however is an example of what I mean by Cruise having absolutely no idea what an ensemble means. Ethan Hunt is not supposed to take the lead in every scene of Mission Impossible. It's supposed to be a group effort. Multiple talents in a spy espionage thriller thing working together and reacting to unpredictable variables to try and accomplish an impossible task. Cruise resolves this by making sure all the characters around him either die in the first twenty minutes or turn into his villains. Y'know who saves this film for me? Ving Rhames and Jean Reno. Damn but they rock, despite Cruise hogging the limelight. Aside from that there's cool stunts and things blow up so it's entertaining. I liked the original series when I was a kid. However, I haven't seen the other two MI's that have come out since. I believe I saw the first few moments where Tom Cruise is hanging off a cliff and his sunglasses explode. William Shatner was more bellievable hanging off a cliff in ST5. Like Cruise would know how to climb anything other than stairs! Really! Now THAT's funny.

Jerry Maguire: I actually had aquired a copy of this film on VHS some years back for free, and never opened it. I think I won it in a contest or something. I have no opinion of this film nor do I want one. I'm aware of Zellwegger's line about "you had me at hello" and Tom yelling at Cuba over the phone to "show me the money" repeatedly. That's all I know, and that's too much. I have no idea what happened to the videotape. I think I gave it to a friend who actually liked Tom Cruise. I don't see it on my shelf now.

Eyes Wide Shut: No opinion. Never seen it. I don't like Nicole Kidman either.

Magnolia: Never seen it. No opinion.

Vanilla Sky: Never seen it. No opinion.

Minority Report: Never seen it. No opinion.

Goldmember: Really? He was in it? I don't recall seeing him in any Austin Powers film. I probably went to get a soda or something.

Last Samurai: No opinion. Don't want one.

Collateral: I like Jamie Fox. I tried it. I liked the film. I woulda loved the film, except for Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise was playing a man pretending to be a man pretending to be someone else. The grey hair was a laugh riot. It was like he was a parody of his own performance. Somehow that kinda worked for me. I didn't believe that he had ever killed more than an occasional fly, and probably hires other people to do that for him, but for some reason the chemistry between him and Fox worked for me in this film. Again though, you can see, the talent of Jamie Fox is what makes this film work. Like Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman before him, Fox carries this film and it's not believable except through the eyes of his character. However, this same film with Jean Reno playing Tom Cruise's part? That woulda been ten times better.

War of the Worlds: Now I do like Steven Spielberg. Don't get me wrong. I can't recall a film of Spielberg's that I haven't enjoyed. And I love the story War of the Worlds by H. G. Welles. I've heard Orson Wells version on radio and it's astounding. Dakota Fanning was major impressive in Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. However, I have yet to see this film. I don't want to see this film. I don't wish to have an opinion on it, on the sole reason that Tom Cruise is in this movie.

Despite my opinion of Tom Cruise, I am aquiescing this one time and will see Cocktail when I get the rifftrax from Mike Nelson. ...It better be funny.

Entropy Rules

The following is edited, based on an email I sent out May 19th in some haste to friends because at the time I thought I wasn't gonna have a computer anymore.

A couple weeks ago, I lost this little pocketbook where I kept all my phone numbers & stuff. So I can't reach any of my friends by phone. That bites.

Saturday evening my home computer gave up the ghost. My troubleshooting narrowed the problem down to a catastrophic failure of either the hard drive, the motherboard, or the power supply. The thing doesn't even beep now when I turn it on. Attempts to fix it only made it worse, naturally, since I'm just so splendid when it comes to hardware issues. That was sarcasm by the way. At the moment I have a very expensive paperweight.

Due to my financial situation, I'm unable to buy the components to get back online, so I plan to look into cancelling my home DSL subscription and spending the unforseeable future without home computer access. This means it's going to become even more difficult for those of you who like to keep in touch with me to do so. Those of you who don't want to keep in touch with me, well this situation shouldn't affect you in any way. =)

At the moment, my Yahoo mail address is still functional, but I can only access it from work, which they kinda frown on at work, so it's not a very dependable way of contacting me. I probably won't be checking it every day like I used to. Also, since Yahoo & SBC recently combined efforts, I'm thinking if I cancel my DSL service I will probably lose my Yahoo email address at the same time.

This is admittedly a painful decision for me, cuz the past eight years or so I have increasingly spent my life online, by choice, and suddenly no longer being able to do that is mildly frustrating to say the least. This may change in the near future, but my economic situation does not look like it will improve, and I'm perpetually barely keeping bills paid, so a new computer immediately falls under the terrain of "luxury."

There's some good from this though. After about fifteen years of smoking about a pack a day, I have officially quit smoking as of April 13th. My reasons are far from noble. I could no longer financially afford the habit. So I have gone cold turkey in hopes of amassing $35 a week which would otherwise have gone to the blackening of my lung cavity. That's $140 a month. You'd think I'd be able to afford stuff now, but at present I'm just barely breaking even, which I wasn't doing at all before April 13th.

The original impetus of the email in question was to let friends know how to reach me offline, since they would no longer be able to do so online, or so I had thought at the time. It wasn't intended to be an attempt to beg someone to give me a computer. I was accepting fate, and thinking maybe a break from the Internet would be a good thing. Sorta kinda 'Fox and the Grapes' like. However, many friends responded favorably, which makes it nice to have friends. I'm thankful for all of them. Fortunately, a dear friend of mine has come through, in a pinch, and allowed me to borrow her laptop until I can save up enough money to get a desktop computer again. This was, in part, provided I write up an updated entry describing the event for posterity.

Hey, it's nice to have at least one fan. =)

The Twilight of Austin

Preface: I'm typing these words in late August of 2009. Nine years ago I went to Austin Texas for the South By Southwest conference. I thought when there I'd meet all the people I'd seen online and be accepted. I was wrong. I was shunned. I was treated like a leper. Almost a decade later the people I looked up to back then still don't give me the time of day. Nor I them. I felt depressed and betrayed when in reality it was my own damned fault. I am who I am and I'm an acquired taste that many rightfully choose not to acquire. I couldn't fault them their choice. I have absolutely nothing substantial to offer as friendship. Frankly the few in my life who still consider me friend, I don't understand why they do. I make a terrible friend.

I'm not surprised now to have gone there empty-handed. However, at the time I didn't want the entire trip to be in vain. So after one particularly unsuccessful night of sleep, I left my hotel room and wandered about the foreign yet familiar capital Texas city. I made my way to the top of a parking garage, and from there discovered I had a most unique perspective on a city that has its own magic and vibrancy about it. I sat there with pad and paper and at first I was writing boring emo crap about how lame the whole SXSW experience had been for me and how sorry I was feeling for myself, but I didn't save any of that. The above summary doesn't capture the naive short-sightedness and insipid arrogance. As I wrote what was going on in my head at the time, I was overwhelmed by the vision of a city waking up before me. That's what I hope to keep for posterity in the words below.

I should also point out that the woman mentioned below who I had left behind in Dallas to visit Austin for SXSW was to leave me a few months after I penned this. At the time I was very much in love with the idea of being in love with her, but as with all my past relationships with women, she soon tired of my idiosyncrasies and found someone who pissed her off far less often. I wish her well.

- Zach Garland
Dallas Texas, USA 5:53am
Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

__________________________________________


[Excerpt taken from Zach's Notes during SXSW2000] PART ONE

Austin Texas, USA ~5:45am
Monday, March 11th, 2000

Y'know it would be pretty funny if I accidently fell from this height right now? Then people would find my spiral notebook and what I'd written up until this moment, and provided they could make out my bad handwriting, they'd probably think I was depressed and decided to jump from the tenth floor roof of the Austin Conference Center's parking garage. If that happens, trust me. I'm not suicidal. Quite the opposite.

I just came for the view.

Austin really is spectacular. Especially at night, or the wee hours of the morning like now. Granted, this concrete block of parking garage I'm standing on, while impressive in stature to behold, it's just a large concrete block with holes in it and ramps for people to park. I can see steam emanating from a building between me and The Radisson. In the dark light it looks surreal and almost gothic. More steam from a building at least twenty stories high, with a pyramid on top.

God, which way is east? All around me all I can see to the horizon are city lights and a skyline jutting diagonal from me, with the capitol building peeking out from behind other buildings, like it was a bald pointy headed child wanting to be in the picture.

I can hear the city just now waking up all around me. There is this gigantic blocky pyramid structure before me, with neon blue horizontal outlines.. fashioned together into the form of an upright 'V' pointing upwards into the twilight.

Twilight. I'm standing in the twilight of Austin, and at this moment it feels like time is standing still. Somewhere between being asleep and being awake. Somewhere between the waking and the dreaming. Somewhere between night and day. A state of catharsis. A state of indecisiveness and uncertainty. A state of simultaneous yearning and fulfillment. Austin is all of these things at this moment of time, and it feels like it will always be this way. I am standing in the Twilight of Austin.

I can see the convention center from here. Looking down to the street gives an impressive sense of vertigo, I'm purposefully staying away from the far edge. Wouldn't want there to be any accidents. Who would type this thing in? If only my girlfriend had been able to join me on this trip to Austin. I wish there was someone here now to appreciate the sheer beauty and mystery of this brisk March morning with me, but I guess sometimes it's okay to be alone. In the middle of a city filled with 800,000 people, some still sleeping, some just waking up as I write these words, in a city this large, I stand alone. The sky is about to perform for me and me alone.

Way off in the distance, there are red lights blinking from radio towers like lightning bugs hovering in position, waiting for something to happen. I have no idea where the sun is going to come from. I'm all turned around and never have been good with direction. the city is lit up so bright it gives a vaguely dim hue of color all around the horizon, like the sun could come from anywhere.

The light on the horizon is getting a little brighter somewhere between the Sheraton and he Marriot. There are some who would prefer to experience the sunrise from a mountaintop or overlooking the Atlantic ocean. Me? I've always been a city kid at heart, Well, suburb kid at least.

I still can't tell for sure from where the sun will come. This mystery is actually suspenseful. This event happens every day. At home in Dallas I often take it for granted. I am usually driving down the Tollway. I rarely pay it any attention. Here in Austin, this one morning, it's magic just waiting to happen. It's strange how a slight change of geography can affect a person's attitude.

I can see a lone star twinkling as a rainbow of color glows to the left and right of the Sheraton. Or is that Venus? Is that Venus?! It's beautiful. And now I have my bearings. The sun should show up just a bit to the left of her. But by the time Apollo shows, Venus will be gone.

Above me blueblack, as the eyes look down from the heavens towards the east. The blue black turns cobalt, and then thousands of different shades of turquoise and aquamarine before phasing into a vague gaudy yellow, below that a band of orange and red dance with each other depending on where you look. Then just above, the city lights flicker and glow about the vanishing point of the horizon, magenta and violet merge into a color I have never seen. A color I didn't even know existed before now. And emerging from that swirl of color.. It's almost.. dark silver? wow.

The sky is slowly lightening up. I can see the paper just a little bit easier. Venus is taking flight just a little higher in the sky each time I look away from the pen. As if she only moves when I'm not looking at her. Like a phoenix she soars from the magnificent turmoil of color beneath her.

And it's so cool and brisk this morning with a gentle slight breeze tickling about my shoulders. I can make out clouds now. Very slight whisps of smokey grey high above me in the increasingly brighter greyblue morning sky. Occasional whisps of industrial steam and manmade smoke obscure miniscule portions of the landscape. Like little baby clouds wanting to be like the Big Boys higher in the air. From here they look about the same size.

Venus is twinkling now. Fading. As if she might say goodbye soon, the tinkerbell dying, waiting for applause and laughter to bring her back. And still the sky slowly glows brighter, replacing the tiny precious Venus with the majesty and brilliance of a much grander celestial body only just now slowly pulling its head out from under the bed covers. That silver glow inside the magenta and violet is more striking now. It must be the haze of the city, like an eerie dome covering its length.

Words fail me. My words pale compared to this. It's just good to be alive.

I glance over the edge again at the convention center down below. The clock above the front doors reads "6:19am."

I can see the highway from here, as if I were observing a major artery through a medical instrument, the cars and trucks like individual blood cells, hurrying along to the left and the right of me. I can hear thousands of birds way off in the distance. It sounds like the multitudes of conversations I could not make out as I 'mingled' the halls of the convention center yesterday. Just birds flying from tree to tree..

"6:21am"
The silver grey haze moves out from the horizon rapidly and lightly touching the rooftops and treetops, as if a slight flurry of snow fell sideways across my view of the landscape.

"6:23am"
Below me the occasional car drives by, slowly becoming more common. A cleaning truck blinks its yellow light at me as if waving good morning.

"6:24am"
Where but moments ago I could barely make out shadows, now all of Austin's history and splendor presents itself to me. Austin shakes off sleep, stretches, yawns, and sets itself off to start another routine day.

As if nothing special is happening.

"6:26am"
[...]

"6:27am"
The silver haze has trickled into occasional light wisps of fog. Perhaps that's what it was the entire time. Fog and steam and smoke. The exhalations of breath for a city pumping with life even as it slumbers.

I know it pumps with life when it sleeps. I know it sleeps. I know this city wakes up. It breathes. It lives. Like any living organism. Its steel and concrete is like our flesh and bone. Its electricity and water like our own bodies' natural internal combustion engine. And the very people of Austin and the tools they use to move about and accomplish their daily routine, they are this city's nervous system. When a baby laughs, this city laughs with her. Happily. When an old one dies, this city mourns his passing. And it dies too a little. Yet it is forever reborn just as the Venus Phoenix rises from the crimson cauldron.

I have vicariously observed Austin, like walking into my room back home to wake up my lover so she can make it to college class, but before I do, I set myself down beside her and look at her closed eyes and hear her breathing and smell her near, and then I kiddingly and quietly nudge her awake.

And then I watch her fumble slowly to life like a lotus blossom. So now too have I seen Austin's lotus. Here I stand ten stories into the air. It's time to nudge Austin awake.

"6:31am"
Austin's a beautful town when it wakes up. My Carey is prettier, but if I ever break down and get married and have a child, I think I might name him Austin.

Good morning Four Seasons. So glad you could join us. And the Raddison. Sheraton, nice to meet you. Yes, Capitol Building I can still see you back there behind all those guys who forgot their nametags this morning. Are you all here for the conference? No. Well. Neither am I, now. But I'm still here. And glad to be here. Perhaps no one else knows I'm alive, but I do. I guess that's really what's important. It's my life after all. It's my responsibility to live it to its fullest. No one else will do that for me.

"6:35am"
Somewhere behind the twilight band of melting cold light slowly fading away above the horizon, the sun still evades from my view. As if it's afraid to come out. Perhaps the Sheraton is blocking my view. Out of the way, you stupid hotel! I'm trying to meet and greet the sun. It's the ONE celebrity here today I definitely don't want to miss!

"6:38"
So many structures here. Buildings from different times of the last hundred and fifty years or so. Some only a few years old. Some several decades. most somewhere in between. Different architects leaving their vision as their mark. Different dreams, some realized and others cast aside. Some appear unfinished. Some look done in. I feel light headed and dizzy up here realizing that like the sunrise and sunset, Austin itself is forever changing and growing. It's a little different every morning. A little different every night. My home town is like that too, and I never contemplated that before now. The entire universe is that way.

"6:40"
Several yards away to the right of the Sheraton on the horizon a patch of red glows brighter than all around it. The silhoettes of two birds flutter across the red, disturbing my view for a fleeting second. They exchange pleasantries as they meet in the air, above the boiling mass of swirling crimson, orange and as the yellow bubbles into the blue. A couple pigeons alight a few feet away from me, nodding their heads, saying good morning to one another.

"6:42"
It's actually getting colder up here as the sun prepares to make its debut. I'm noticably shivering now. the breeze has kicked up just a notch. The city is alive now I can hear it come in full force.

And here comes the sun.

"6:43"
A small circle of red slowly emerging from the silver haze. She's beautiful.

"6:45am"
Again words pale. You missed it. The sun is so delicious I wish I could reach out and touch her. But I know I am forced to keep my distance and appreciate her from afar. Even if I could touch her, I would not feel her beauty. Only her heat and pain.

But from this safe distance, eight and a half light minutes away, she is magnificent. I can see why millenia ago she was worshipped and believed to be the god of the earth. And why some still believe that in their own way.

I looked at the sun off and on until I knew it wasn't safe to look any longer, for even to gaze too long into her would harm my eyes. I smoked one last cigarette, collected my things, and headed downstairs. For today, I'm not just a spectator, a tourist, or an outsider. Today, I'm a part of Austin.

- Zach Garland
Austin Texas, USA 6:50am
Monday, March 11th, 2000

originally input into previous incarnation of my online journal on
3/18/2000 05:17:32 AM