How deep was the rabbit hole for you? As Christians, we are called to a personal relationship with Christ. Would you say you had that? What was it like?

I went in pretty deep. We referred to ourselves playfully as Jesus Freaks back when I was a teenager. Church every Sunday & Wednesday. It was a social & cultural thing and I was surrounded by like-minded individuals who never questioned our beliefs so it was like we were in a social bottle. Bible study was a natural part of life and I seriously felt JC was like a big brother always there when I needed him, spiritually speaking. It didn't occur to me at the time, but we never really read the bible in any sequential order. The leader of the group would take a passage and we'd discuss just that few verses or just that chapter, and wouldn't delve or venture outside preset plans of the instructor. I started reading on my own and I'd come back with questions but either the instructor wasn't prepared to answer the questions because I was venturing outside the preset curriculum, or the answers they could provide left me with even more questions. And reading the bible just made me uncomfortable. I'd be told I was interpreting from a modern sensibility and should see things more in context, but I distinctly remember reading Paul's letters on my own and coming away from the bible thinking he was a ripe ass bastard, in any time period.

Even after I moved away from that environment to live in others that were less conducive to reinforcing a religious belief structure and lifestyle, I still prayed & felt JC's presence in my life until a few years ago, when I realized that as intense as his presence sometimes felt, there's objectively no difference between that and daydreaming or otherwise using my imagination. It's a lie Believers tell to themselves, but it's very convincing. I didn't choose to stop believing. When objectively confronted with real life, unenforced by constant conditioning, the truth will out. I just woke up one day and realized I could no longer lie to myself. Reality doesn't support the fantasy.

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