Fumin' Hume & Whacky Woods

Tiger Woods will recover as a golfer. Whether he can recover as a person, I think is a very open question, and it’s a tragic situation with him. He’s lost his family, it’s not clear to me whether he’ll be able to have a relationship with his children, but the Tiger Woods that emerges once the news value dies out of this scandal, the extgent to which he can recover, it seems to me, depends on his faith. He’s said to be a Buddhist, I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith, so my message to Tiger would be “Tiger, turn to the Christian faith, and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.

- Brit Hume, Faux News commentator and news maker upper

Brit Hume wants Tiger Woods to convert to Catholicism from Buddhism so that Tiger can ask a god he does not currently believe in for forgiveness of a sin that Buddhists really don't take all that seriously. I mean we're talking about consenting adults here. Granted, Tiger having sex outside of marriage may mess up his wife's spiritual awareness, but that's only if she's Buddhist too.

In the Buddhist tradition, under the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path, one should neither be attached to nor crave sensual pleasure. The third of the Five Precepts is "To refrain from sexual misconduct." For most Buddhist laypeople, sex outside of marriage is not "sexual misconduct," especially when compared to, say, adultery or any sexual activity which can bring suffering to another human being. Each may need to consider whether, for them, sexual contact is a distraction or means of avoidance of their own spiritual practice or development.

- The New World Encyclopedia

Okay, so, maybe Buddhism does take adultery more seriously than just your occasional casual one night stand among unmarried people. Anyway, Brit Hume was talking out his asshole. He doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism and was making blatant assumptions without having any facts. This right here is precisely why Faux News is about as dependable as a chair with no seat.

I don't even know if we're all 100% certain what Tiger actually believes anyway. I can't take Brit Hume on his word about anything. He makes up news all the time! That's why Faux hired him in the first place, to make shit up. My point is, why would Tiger Woods abandon his current faith (Buddhism or whatever) for one that would just make him feel worse about himself?

I think Brit Hume should abandon Christianity. It's a blatant load of lies and dogma that's outdated by millenia. Brit Hume and Tiger Woods should embrace the only religion that's really worth a damn: I speak of course of The Church of the SubGenius. Praise "Bob." Hail Eris. Sagan will set you free! EIYIYIYIYIYIYIY!

Brit Hume feels if Tiger Woods turns to Catholicism, he'll set an example to the rest of the world as a great reformed adulterer, just like all the other famous adulterers like David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Jack Kennedy, Gary Hart, Senator John Edwards, OJ Simpson's dead ex-wife, etc. Christianity is full of great adulterers! Hell, Lot fucked his daughters in his sleep after turning his wife into salt. Well I guess technically since his wife just died that wasn't really adultery, but you get my drift. There's fucking going on all over the Bible if you know where to look! Song of Solomon is a particular favorite of mine with breasts running about like gazelles! Anyway, I digress. I wonder if Brit Hume is an adulterer? I guess that's between him and his god, and his wife, and his ex-wife, and his mistress, and the media. I bet Brit Hume thinks the Dalai Llama should convert to Christianity just in case he's an adulterer too.

Tiger should not convert to Catholicism, because Christianity may absolve him of past sins, but then it pretends to expect you to sin no more while simultaneously it knows you're gonna. You can't help it. Why? Cuz you're a sinner! So it's an endless cycle. You commit sin, you feel bad about it, you ask for repentance, you feel bad cuz now you can't do whatever it is you did before so you go do that again and now you feel bad cuz you did that so you ask for forgiveness and now you feel bad again cuz let's face it religions have you by the short and curlies. Religion tells you not to do anything that's worth doing. Where's the fun in that? What Tiger Woods needs is a religion that will not only absolve him of sin, but will give him The Grand Excuse. Tiger needs a religion that will allow him to go forth and sin some more! There IS a simple answer, dear friend! A glowing beacon of slack for anyone who's pink of heart and green of the pocketbook.

Something I've learned in my recent transition from devout Christian to devout atheist, throughout this horrendous ordeal in which I traded in my illusion of something for an actual nothing, my faith in J. R. "Bob" Dobbs has remained constant and steadfast. I got in on the ground floor of that up & coming religion back in 1985, when it only cost twenty bucks to get right with "Bob." Today, a lifetime membership costs thirty bucks and it's still quite a bargain. It's guaranteed or triple your money back! You do the math!

Brit Hume has accused Tiger Woods of being a buddhist and thinks of himself as a Christian, but this could not be further from the truth. Contrary to the beliefs of both Hume and Woods, and everyone else on the face of this planet, they are all SubGeniuses. Let me explain.

In Christianity, "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." It was explained to me in Sunday School thusly: You are born a sinner. Just as kangaroos give birth to kangaroos and horses give birth to horses and penguins give birth to beavers, so too do humans only give birth to humans, and thanks to stupid Adam & stupid Eve eating a stupid apple from the stupid Tree Of Stupid Knowledge, all humans are also sinners. And they're stupid. P. T. Barnum once said "there's a sucker born any minute," and it takes one to know one. And since the act of sex is a sin according to Christianity, your very conception was an act of evil! So we're screwed before we even slide down the canal. God stacked the deck against us. Provided you believe in a god.

However, in the doctrine of the SubGenius Church, all are born with Original Slack but we all have it stolen away by The Conspiracy at birth, when the obstetrician spanks us on the butt to make us breathe and cry and piss in his face.

In Christianity, the Word of God must be 'interpreted' by religious scholars, church deacons, televangelists, or crazy people on street corners, so that one can glean the Divine Meaning and understand what God is trying to tell you, cuz apparently He's misplaced your cell number.

In the SubGenius faith, anything that comes out of the mouth of any ordained minister immediately becomes gospel. Even, and especially, if it contradicts with previous gospel by other SubGenius ministers.

So I tell you here and now, as a dues paid (tho not card carrying cuz I accidentally put it through the wash cycle one day and Stang didn't laminate mine) SubGenius ordained minister, every living creature on this planet is SubGenius! Recent discoveries in unlocking the human genome reveal that over half our DNA mirrors that of everything from aphids to zucchini. This means the Yeti gene is dormant inside every living thing. If you don't believe me, well your beliefs are pretty whacky too so nyah!

Now, Brit Hume recently told Tiger Woods to abandon the buddha in favor of a zombie that's been bolted to a tree for two thousand years. I say both of these men need to accept their true Yeti ancestry and get right with "Bob." The only way to do that is to send thirty dollars to the Church of the SubGenius. That goes for you as well! And penguins and beavers and lichen and pretty much anything with DNA! ..and thirty dollars! Bring your credit card, cuz you'll also wanna get a cool T-shirt and some DVDs that'll cause your head to explode with delight.

Now, for the record when you click on that link I do not get ANY of the money. I should but I don't. Okay, I really shouldn't, but my point is I don't say this as some kinda get rich quick scheme. Like Brit Hume, I sincerely believe I'm doing a fellow human being a favor by offering this advice and like Brit Hume I'm also full of shit. But we're ALL full of shit! We are all shitful and have fallen short of the glory that is Slack! Or, words to that effect.

Praise "Bob!"

Let there be Slack!

Hyuh! Hep me sumbody!

She ain't got no legs my legs are on fire how can ya run from yer own legs!?

There's something inside your head!

Are we not men?

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

"Bob"

IS

"Bob"!